An Ode to Becoming Irrelevant

In an era where your relationship doesn't count unless it's on Facebook, an idea isn't legitimate until it's on Pinterest, and a thought is meaningless until it's broadcasted to the Twitterverse, one can't help but to ponder the topic of irrelevancy. Hell, the sole reason why this blog exists is to remind myself that I have a semblance of a sense of humor and, on occasion, a poignant thought or two (bold statement... noted). Though, amidst this seemingly universal sentiment, there is a frightening amount of TV becoming as irrelevant as the Yellow Pages, beepers, or even terrestrial radio (like... what is that?). Let's take a look at those shows slowly but surely securing their place in the cobwebbed attic of the silver screen...

Jersey Shore

Is this show back? No seriously... is it? It's pretty bad that I even have to ask that question as an entertainment industry professional (weird... I've never said that aloud before). Hold on... I just Googled... ah well yes it appears that the new season is in fact running. It also looks like Vinny may have left? (I always liked him) ...But then he came back? (Ugh, comeon). Bottom line: this show has stretched out it's welcome much like Deena's stretched out JWow's hand-me-downs. Snooki can diet as much as she wants; nothing is going to change the life expectancy of this show. The moment Jersey Shore becomes relevant to me again is when in 4o years MTV decides to air a reunion special: Boca Raton Shore. I'd love to see what years of tannarexia does to their aging faces.

GLEE

At least this show recognizes that no one cares anymore. No way in hell they'd toy with a "Finn and Rachel" getting married story line if anyone was actually paying attention. Next thing you know, aliens from planet Schuster will come and abduct all members of New Directions (Ryan Murphy you'd love that, wouldn't you?). Aside from gimmicky episodes like this week's MJ tribute (which, despite my bellyaching, was ridiculously entertaining), it's becoming all the more clear that McKinley graduation day and the series' doomsday are one in the same. Sorry, Britney.

Desperate Housewives

I've never left a show in its final season... that is until now. Yes, I'll always have a spot in my heart for the series that gave women and gay men everywhere a shirtless Jesse Metcalfe, but I can no longer stomach James Denton's blatant disrespect for the acting craft. Sure, he's OK to look at but watching him act makes my brain shrivel. I held on passed the "fast forward" all too long... farewell old friend... farewell.

The Bachelor

It's no secret to faithful readers that I've had my ups and downs with The Bach franchise. So many fond memories... yet so many doody bubbles. In my humble opinion, it's all gone sour since Jillian's season. We've had nothing but weenies, whiners, and ugly ducklings ever since. Until this show cuts the fat and starts from scratch with someone remotely desirable, my Mondays will be exclusively spent with CBS sitcoms.

On a Scale from One to Adultery...

...how hard is it to cheat? Apparently if you're a desperate housewife it's easier than Linday Lohan on a cocaine withdrawal. Honestly though, haven't we seen an obsene amount of inter-marital nookie throughout the show's near seven seasons? I asked myself that very same question after Sunday night's episode and decided to play a little game called "Add the Adulterers." Let's ALL play:

Well first we know that Julie's dad, Karl, got freaky behind Susan's back thus of course resulting in their divorce prior to the beginning of the show. 1. Then we have the oh-so-sexy Gabby hookin' it with John Tucker affair. 2. Which then led to Carlos' retaliation as he boned the mail order maid (not quite so sexy). 3. And we can't forget when Bree got down with ex-husband, Rex's, pharmacist... who then killed Rex... which means so far we have 4 for adultery and 1 for just plain rudeness.

Phewf... this is getting hard...

Then we have the almost-affair between Tom Scavo and his secret baby momma. We'll call that 4.2. And the countless counts of adultery committed by the late Edie Brit. We'll call that... hmm... 8. Ooo, let's not forget the "my man is in a coma but I'm gonna do a Brit anyway" affair between Susan and Ian Hainsworth. 9. Which then got turned around with the "my man's out of a coma but I'm still with the Brit" affair between Susan and Mike. 10.

Then good ole Gabby is back at it when she cheats on 2nd husband, Victor, with 1st/3rd husband, Carlos (though we do consider it a victory in the name of Karma). 11. And bringing it full circle, Karl Mayer doing the nasty with Bree, a very much married lady. 12.

And there you have it, folks. My stab at it. Being that the show is Desperate Housewives and cheating/scandal/dirty laundry is more or less its entire premise, I know I'm missing... eh... about a thousand. Feel free to comment on the transgressions I've overlooked.

Desperate... REALLY Desperate

Theres a fine line between good and bad; The Desperate Housewives season premiere not only crossed that line, but buldozed it into oblitieration, leaving audiences confused as to what is actually good tv and what is bad. Thats the problem with Desperate Housewives fans--they too, are desperate... Desperate to hold on to something that was soooo five seasons ago.

Apparently, whenever it finds itself in a funk, the show commits ratings suicide by introducing "new, interesting, and shady" people into the cast. Let me tell you something--if Whisteria Lane really has that quick of a real estate turn over rate, I'm pretty confident if must be seated upon a bubbling pool of toxic waste, or more likely, a pagan graveyard. This season the new neighbors are New Yorkers with a sociopath murderous son. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but there's no way in hell THAT can be justified; I mean, let's get real... New York pretty boys are far too metro to risk the chance of getting blood on their designer jeans. Now, that's just lazy research.

Despite this, I could have swallowed my pride, sat back, and enjoyed the rest of the episode until the Kathryn/Susan wedding isle showdown. Hell, if you know that some crazy bitch is going to hijack the spotlight on your wedding day you of COURSE book some sort of security detail. God help the hooker that tries to barracade the isle while I'm walking down to "Isn't She Lovely." Stilleto to the face... kabosh. *to clarify, New York guys probably not capable of murder... New York girls totally are.