For Auld Lang Syne

Greetings and Happy New Year to the five people that read this blog!

My, my, was 2011 a roller coaster! I got a new job, shacked up with man-friend, and was finally able to say the words “I’m my favorite number old” (that’s 25 for those of you who assumed I was much older based on my superfluous maturity). Despite the highs of 2011, it’s with particular fondness that I look to the year ahead. With so much lady-tickle-generating events to come (weddings… engagements… an election that will hopefully not make me want to gauge my eyes out), I can boldly say that, world-end-or-not, 2012 is going to be to human history what the dawn of American Idol was to television. Alright fine… maybe that was too bold…

While I selfishly hope your holiday hangovers left you as bloated and fatigued as I am, I’d like to support your unspoken resolutions with some new year affirmations from our favorite friends of the silver screen… you know… for auld lang syne. As I’m sure you’re aware, the new year brought a new episode of How I Met Your Mother. Although the half hour was unnecessary at best, it did subtly provide a Chinese menu of resolutions and mantras through the meaningless and recycled song-and-dance of seasons of auld. Take your pick below and grab a soda (or a gogi berry green tea… blehk you, new year’s diets):

#1: When life gives you lemons, hope someone else gets rotten lemons:

2011 was a rough year for our friend, Robyn. She reluctantly left her seat on camera, was forced into anger management (in all fairness, though, that didn’t turn out to be so bad), and was hit with the news that she’d never have kids. Talk about lemons, huh? Well if last night taught us anything, it’s that lemons can come in all shape and sizes. For Sandy Rivers, those lemons came in the form of lemon drop shots, lemon-tinis, lemoncello, and any other lemon-related alcohol reference I can make. It was his booze-based demise that allowed for Robyn to grab back hold of the microphone and show New York what they’d been missing. Moral of the story: if your life sucks, and someone else’s life sucks more, your life may not suck so bad anymore.

#2: It’s never too late to give up on your drunken dreams:

Some of you may remember Ted and Barney’s master plan of opening a bar called Puzzles (why puzzles? Well therein lies the puzzle. Oh, Barney). Most likely, however, you do not remember this as the episode in reference was more than a season ago and it was stupid. After McClarens proved to be a NYE rip-off, the duo transformed Ted’s apartment into a very 675-esque establishment and fulfilled their drunken vision. I was so inspired that I decided to revive my drunken vision, the beer-fart 3000, a devise that will allow a person to fart unabashedly without the sound and smell of your last 15 beers. In fact, I’ve even contacted NASA about it (assuming the email inventionsguy@nasa.com it a real address). If anything, pursue your drunken dreams in hopes that it will result in a real (fake) website: http://www.puzzlesthebar.com/

#3: Throw a tailgate in a cemetery:

I actually don’t know if this one is legal or not… use discretion

#4: Lie to your kids… In a good way:

This would probably only apply to the 3 people I know who have young children or are having babies this year (however, if you’re any other of my friends and fancy yourself a bit of a hoe, continue reading… it may be beneficial after all). While unpacking baby Erikson’s room, our favorite parents-to-be happened upon an old book of Marshall’s, Enigmas of the Mystical. Why should children be deprived in the belief that Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or Big Foot actually may exist? Speaking from someone who found out the truth about Santa at age 5 and proceeded to ruin it for the rest of Mrs. DeMartino’s kindergarten class, this is something you want your kids to believe in for as long as they can. Especially Big Foot… imagine how many family camping trips could turn into beachfront getaways if your brood is scared of a wilderness monster!

#4: Oh yeah… stop being fat

Reason I bring this up is twofold: One… I personally look like I ate my weight in wine and meatballs this holiday season. Two… it’s quite evident that this needs to be Lily’s resolution as well. DAYUMM that belly grew overnight. Yeah I get it… there’s a kid in there… blah blah blah; but sister just went from first trimester to third in a nano-second. Is it possible she’s growing a vampire baby ala Bella Swan? You know she’s having Marshall feed her chocolate and lard covered pickles by the dozens.

Good luck to you as you ultimately fail on your quest to look like Cobie Smulders, be as rich and successful as Neil Patrick Harris, and procreate like real life Lily, Alyson Hannigan. But in the meantime, enjoy the Puzzles theme song:

Am I Living on the Island?

A lot of weird shit happens to me. It's probably because of my paralyzing fear of birds. They know all my secrets and use their powers of flight to create oddly ironic instances in my daily life. I'd like to think of a better reason as to why I witness 89% of all the crazy in the world... but I just can't. Any help would be well appreciated.

Here's an example: This weekend it was about 98045209580 degrees in Manhattan (not an exaggeration) and my 90283042980293802 year-old building (okay, a little bit of an exaggeration) heats up like an easy-bake-oven. So when I had this brilliant idea to move into the city on a pauper's salary, I never factored in that an air conditioning unit would bring my monthly spending from "barely" affordable to "stop-eating-you-penniless-ingrate" affordable. So as I sat in a pool of sweat in front of the industrial fan, I turned on the TV for some Seinfeld. You're probably asking yourself where the irony is here? The episode was about Jerry's parents refusing to use the air conditioner. I really didn't think much of it...

...That is until How I Met Your Mother came on. In the episode, Robyn's new manfriend asks her to move in with him. What a coincidence! My manfriend did too. Now, Robyn made the big-girl decision to ditch her friends and move in with the universe's biggest vagina. I'm sorry did I say big-girl? I mean big stumbling idiot. Granted my only friends aren't all ex-boyfriends of mine so the plot line differs quite a bit... but STILL! Is the universe trying to tell me something? Should I find NPH and make him my GBFF or something? I really didn't think much of it...

...That is until I found a bomb on my submarine! I mean WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!

Okay. In truth, the only reason why I posted this blog was because I've been listening to Alanis all day and needed an excuse to include this throw-back-vid somehow. Enjoy!

Word of the Day: Doppelganger

A doppelgänger is the ghostly double of a living person, a sinister form of bilocation. In the vernacular, the word "doppelgänger" has come to refer (as in German) to any double or look-alike of a person. The word is also used to describe the sensation of having glimpsed oneself in peripheral vision, in a position where there is no chance that it could have been a reflection. They are generally regarded as harbingers of bad luck. In some traditions, a doppelgänger seen by a person's friends or relatives portends illness or danger, while seeing one's own doppelgänger is an omen of death, or results in immediate death upon the two coming face to face. In Norse mythology, a vardøger is a ghostly double who precedes a living person and is seen performing their actions in advance. - Wiki

Thank you, How I Met Your Mother, for bringing such a fun-to-say word to my vocabulary. In last night's episode, they touched upon the doppelgangers of each member of their group--GENIUS! Totes my new favorite word. Before "doppelganger" I tried to fit the word "spleen" into the everyday vernacular; yeah, that's not easy to do. Often times I would find myself having conversations like this:

Person: Hey LT, how's it hangin?
Me: Like a spleen

or

Person: How are ya?
Me: Pretty spleeny

In fact, I've already this morning referenced the word "doppelganger." Granted, it was for a set a twins walking on the street. Yeah... I'll get better eventually.