From an aesthetic standpoint, there are very few things more offensive than a bad fake tan (like roadkill art, for example... Yes it exists). However, our token ballroom-guy on this season of SYTYCD, Ryan "the married guy on the DL" Di Lello, puts the offense in offensive when it comes to his unsightly glow. I write to you all now not just as a begrudged writer or amateur television critic, but as a concerned citizen of humanity. To be frank, that tan is not only unattractive, but it is dangerous. Here are some reasons why:
1. Impending blindness: Sure growing up doctors have always told us to not sit so close to the TV, and did we listen? Maybe. But now we are living in a world where men and women on television and the real world alike use their bodies as weapons, allowing their overly florescent skin to strike war against the eyes of onlookers. People, our fragile purveyors of sight lack the capabilities to stand up against such unnatural brightness. *Side note: If you don't look directly at the skin, you should remain unharmed.
2. Fatal Misstep: With a tan as distracting as Ryan's, it's a miracle that we have not seen more foot stomping or lift dropping in his and Ellenore's performances. Think about it--the eyes are instantaneously drawn to the cheddar-colored chest, not a spot point. Let's just hope the choreographers don't throw in shenae turns in upcoming numbers.
3. Threat of adultery: Let's not forget that the captain of cheese himself has a wifey who's on the show as well; a wife, who I may add, is limitlessly hotter than him. Seeing as she's probably never seen her husband's face because the glow is so blinding, it isn't unreasonable to think that she would jump in bed with an oompa loompa or even a pumpkin and not even realize the difference.
Aside from the tan being dangerous, it also creates an completely unjust environment. The tan was so blinding last night, that the judges actually commended Ryan for his life-sucking attempt at hip hop. Poor Ellenore; she was so much better than he was and took all the criticism. On that note, the judges need to stop trying to level the playing field. Give acclaim where it is due and not where it isn't (And yes, that means no applause for the tan).
1. Impending blindness: Sure growing up doctors have always told us to not sit so close to the TV, and did we listen? Maybe. But now we are living in a world where men and women on television and the real world alike use their bodies as weapons, allowing their overly florescent skin to strike war against the eyes of onlookers. People, our fragile purveyors of sight lack the capabilities to stand up against such unnatural brightness. *Side note: If you don't look directly at the skin, you should remain unharmed.
2. Fatal Misstep: With a tan as distracting as Ryan's, it's a miracle that we have not seen more foot stomping or lift dropping in his and Ellenore's performances. Think about it--the eyes are instantaneously drawn to the cheddar-colored chest, not a spot point. Let's just hope the choreographers don't throw in shenae turns in upcoming numbers.
3. Threat of adultery: Let's not forget that the captain of cheese himself has a wifey who's on the show as well; a wife, who I may add, is limitlessly hotter than him. Seeing as she's probably never seen her husband's face because the glow is so blinding, it isn't unreasonable to think that she would jump in bed with an oompa loompa or even a pumpkin and not even realize the difference.
Aside from the tan being dangerous, it also creates an completely unjust environment. The tan was so blinding last night, that the judges actually commended Ryan for his life-sucking attempt at hip hop. Poor Ellenore; she was so much better than he was and took all the criticism. On that note, the judges need to stop trying to level the playing field. Give acclaim where it is due and not where it isn't (And yes, that means no applause for the tan).
No comments:
Post a Comment