How Nigel Lythgoe got his Black Spot

…No, I don’t mean his mole. Wait… does he even have a mole? I don’t think so. Anyway…

It was announced earlier today that Fox has cancelled the So You Think You Can Dance results show. How did we find out, you ask? In true whiney-bitch form, Nigel tweeted: "FOX have cancelled the results show so I will have to change the format of SYTYCD. At least we have another season at the end of MAY." Methinks Nigel was not the most popular kid on the playground with all this tattle-taling we’re so privy to. Starting a twitter war against Fox is the 2012 equivalent to whispering “Sally totally hooked up with your boyfriend” to a middle school cheerleader. Oh you naughty boy, Nigel.

While I joke, there is some validity in leveraging a social giant to lay the path towards mass hysteria and I am 100% on board, sinking ship or not. No, this is not just a tweet. This tweet is the defense in a major counterstrike against the big fat black spot Nigel’s just been handed. Ay, matey… the black spot is better known as the kiss of death.

A Short History on “The Black Spot:”

The first appearance of the black spot can be found in the 1883 novel, Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson. For those less cultured, the black spot was also an ominous device utilized in more recent pirate classics like Pirates of the Caribbean, or Muppets Treasure Island (great, GREAT flick).

Where was I? Oh yeah…

The cancellation of the results show is no doubt the first step towards ultimate demise. Next thing you know, they’ll move the performance show to Friday where series go to die. And then what? Will we be forced to watch half famous non-dancers have their way on the dance floor?! Will I have to be subject to Brooke Burke’s cringe-worthy interviews? NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT! Friends, pirates, lovers of all things dance, I challenge you to tie sails to your remote controls this summer and give SYTYCD its highest watched season yet! Avast, Fox! Offer us a parley! So help me God if this show gets cancelled I will boycott your entire network! (Except Glee… and New Girl… and American Idol…).

Heave ho, landlovers. And God speed, Nigel.

Echolacation and the Train to Pump Town

When I was younger I wanted to be a marine biologist (granted, when I was younger I was fat and hairy and didn’t have any friends and once read that dolphins made exceptional companions so take that as you will). Anywho, on my life journey towards my ultimate goal, I started collecting random facts about our underwater pals. Did you know that a dolphin can detect a 2.5 cm tird (roughly an inch for those metric illiterate) from over 70 meters away? I bet you’re asking yourself “WTF is she getting at?” Well…

Me : Dolphin :: Mary Murphy : Tird

A couple of months ago I began to suffer from a ringing in my ear that I can only imagine an echolating dolphin would experience. After time, I began to make out some words through the ringing; slowly but surely I heard it… “HOT.” “TAMALE.” “TRAIN.” “WOOOOO WOOOOOO.” Ugh, I’ll take the ringing. That’s the day I learned Mary Murphy was healthy (phewf!) and back on SYTYCD.

While I'm positively giddy that the Murphster is back and feeling fabulous, I have to assume that Nigel is really the one welcome her back with open arms (cough... legs). I've had a theory for quite some time that the reason Mary continues to be such a show staple year after year is that she’s giving Nigel some serious southern HJs during commercial breaks. It all makes sense, really. Every time the tamale train rings, someone at the table is climaxing. (If you’re never able to watch the show after this without involuntarily vomiting I apologize). Though knowing Nigel, he probably only exerts himself when Mary puts teeny tap shoes on her fingers and does Two for Tea on his peen (oops sorry… I swear I’m done).

If you haven’t gotten a chance to get acquainted with Season 8’s talent, I strongly suggest you do so. The contestants this year are SO good that they make Alex Wong look like William Hung. A word of advice, however: stay away from Jess Leprotto; this Broadway dancer is what Eugene Levy would be if he lost his sad excuse for a sense of humor and developed a case of dwarfism. My favorites this year are Ryan (that’s a chic), Clarice, Wadi, and Melanie. In truth, they’re all pretty spectacular (except Jess. Woof).

Tune in tonight to see who goes home (cough… Jess). Happy Dancing!

If Stink Bombs Had a Voice...

Currently I'm en route to Philadelphia (the fakest city in America) by way of the Bolt Bus. Ah, yes... The Bolt Bus, Acela of the poverty elite. Sometimes I like to pretend that the Bolt is exclusive to the fiscally ignorant, like myself, who exude fabulosity despite the limitations of their minimum wage salaries. Luxurious leather seating, free wireless internet, why wouldn't you think you were traveling like a Kennedy? Oh... I remember... because sooner or later you'll come face-to-face with a real live animal/human crossbread who single handedly destroys any glimmer you had of a peaceful journey.

On this particular trip, these mongoloids I'm referencing are occupying the Bolt's last rows, as if it were a giant cheese bus and they were the "cool kids." While I'd like to remind the two cackaling hyenas that they were probably never cool, I'm too busy ripping fuzz out of my sweatshirt and sticking it up my nose. Why, you ask? Because these morons decided it would be funny to drop a stink bomb. I know what you're thinking and I can assure you, NO... It was not just a nasty poop and some after-gas. The scent sent me right back to my elementary school cafeteria the day I was pantsed and all of the fifth and sixth grade bore witness to the physical evidence of puberty. That day some juvenial half breeds launched a couple, making it the perfect segway to the involuntary unveiling of my no-nos. All the more reason why I am NOT amused... fuckers.

A similar sensation occurred last night when I sat down to enjoy the single most magical night of television of the year... The finale of So You Think You Can Dance. Only the best show on broadcast TV (notice how I've discounted cable as Jerz clearly surpasses all), this season has been by far the best in terms of talent, choreography, and peronalities. So of course I was expecting utter perfection televised.... That is until I heard it...

If stink bombs had a voice it would be the voice of Mary Murphy. Hearing her shrill verbiage sent me screaming back to the days when I was afraid to ride trains in fear that one would end up being the hot tamale train. Whosever idea it was to invite her back for the finale deserves that little boy to repeat his tap dance routine on his or her brain. (Ah--Wasn't he the CUTEST?!?!).

Despite my momentary lack of hearing, the show WAS amazeballs. All the best performances were showcased (meaning that 99% of the numbers were choreographed by either Travis or NappyTabs). It's no surprise that no Mandy Moore dances made the cut... You know... After she decided her strategy this season would be "let's see how lame can I get." Let's just hope that the verbal lashing she received on Wednesday will ensure that the audience will never have to sit through a number about "sneakers meeting up to boogie" again.

At the end of the day it was all good in the hood. My girl Lauren took home the title, and the dough, AND the Gatorade endorsement deal. She then proceeded to dump a bottle of my faveo lemon lime on top of her head which, for me, really displayed what it means to be a champion.

Well... It appears that this bus is taking a short cut to nowhere. If I don't make it out alive or if I linger perpetually of rotten eggs, I guess I'll see ya never.

It Jus Got Buck in Her

I may not be "ghetto" so to speak, but my love for bubble jackets and moves on the dance floor prove otherwise. To be clear, I wouldn't consider myself ghetto, but instead I would say I am street enough to distinguish the truly buck from those who be frontin'. Now, would I say that the So You Think You Can Dance stage is a place that gets real hood? Hmm...well... Sure it crumps. Sure it emotionally hip-hops. Sure it features Lil C as an "educated" voice on the topic of dance. But is SYTYCD in itself ghetto? Surely NOT.

Which is why my reaction to the season 6 finale is still tasting a bit sour as I continue to chew on it. And yes, I'm aware I've had weeks to get over Jacob losing to Russel but it still doesn't sit right in my stomach. Accepting that Russel mindfucked the audience with his amateur sweet boy routine is like putting my GERD-ridden digestive system on the hot tamale train. I ALWAYS loved Russel--but more for his quiet humility rather than his killer moves. Once Kat announced he won and we were left with a shirtless fake-cripple, all my love for Russel was... well... "crumped."

"You mah boy! Gettup hea! Dis guy has been wit me since the beginning!" Yeah... no thanks, Russel. Save it for your next television appearance on I Love New York. If I could have any positive reaction to his obscene one, it would be Jacob's "I am way too gay to be present for this" hand gesture. Apparently winning the title is also miraculous, in that it can heal the lame and make them crump. Big fat faker. What happened to the knee, crybaby? Also, was I the only person under the impression that Russel was an untrained dancer? Apparently he's been dancing in classes since the age of 3 to keep him off dem streets.

Oh well. Jacob, if you can read this... I think you're incredible. And not winning the show is probably for the best. The best dancers really never win after all... sigh...

America, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

I have a new found appreciation for the term "hump day." As it so happens, I've recently equated my television viewing cycle to an orgasm. A long, long, O which climaxes on Wednesday with Glee. Now may I say thank god for Glee; Without it, I would have gotten some serious blue balls with the results of Wednesday's SYTYCD elimination show. Thanks a lot, America... you cock-blocks, you.

The So You Think You Can Dance viewers have made a mistake of catastrophic proportions. Yes, it's true... Ryan, the walking spray tan, will be competing in the show's finale this week over everyone's favorite B-boy, Legacy. Ryan's pathetic tearful performance on Tuesday night may have won the ignorant over, but not I. I know better; the "tears" in question were actually excess tanner streaking down his cheeks. That shit stings! I'd cry too.

Yes... after mambo-ing his shiny shirts away, Ryan begged America to vote his wifey, Ashleigh, into the finals despite the fact that she did not even dance last week. Now don't get me wrong, I'm as big of an Ashleigh fan as they come; But just because the teenyboppers think it would be cute for the finale to be couples night we will let that man-booger bump Legacy out of the competition?! Ugh... so unfair.

As a tribute to the eye-candy wonder that is Legacy, I will vow to remain shirtless all day. Sure, this will prove to be awkward in the workplace but I see no better way to support the man, the myth, the Legacy.

...eek it's cold in here.

Editors Note: My BFF just sent me an e-card. I have revised this post's picture to showcase it. Thanks, KDoggy.

Nigel Likes it Dirty

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Mr. Crankypants Gets a Leatha Blaza

Last week on So You Think You Can Dance, Nigel made Wednesday the new Friday by pairing his casual leather blazer with a side of bitchy. Some may think that it was the unbreathable material that got him all hot and bothered, but I assure you, friends, we're dealing with a case of monthly manstruation.

manstruation: n. the state of being generally pissy and vaginal. Only applicable to males.

Bob is manstruating. He just told me to f*ck off after I merely asked him to wipe large chunks of pop tart off of his expense report. (Thanks UD)

Every so often we see the diva flare up in Nigel. However, now with Mia no longer on the show, there's no other manstual cycle to balance out his. Eek. Well, I'm no doctor, but I'm thinking Nigel needs to be put on the pill STAT to regulate these bitch fits. Right now I'm sure Nathan is slipping some seasonique into his scotch until Paula Abdul finally shows up with something stronger.

Yes, Nathan took the brunt of Nigel's verbal lashing. But the primary accusation was that Nathan was attractive and that all the ladies love him? Hm. Now this is a case of manstruation if I ever heard one. Bitchy bloated and jealous. I think Nigel's ready for his vagina.

Orangeya Glad I Didn't Say Spray Tan

From an aesthetic standpoint, there are very few things more offensive than a bad fake tan (like roadkill art, for example... Yes it exists). However, our token ballroom-guy on this season of SYTYCD, Ryan "the married guy on the DL" Di Lello, puts the offense in offensive when it comes to his unsightly glow. I write to you all now not just as a begrudged writer or amateur television critic, but as a concerned citizen of humanity. To be frank, that tan is not only unattractive, but it is dangerous. Here are some reasons why:

1. Impending blindness: Sure growing up doctors have always told us to not sit so close to the TV, and did we listen? Maybe. But now we are living in a world where men and women on television and the real world alike use their bodies as weapons, allowing their overly florescent skin to strike war against the eyes of onlookers. People, our fragile purveyors of sight lack the capabilities to stand up against such unnatural brightness. *Side note: If you don't look directly at the skin, you should remain unharmed.

2. Fatal Misstep: With a tan as distracting as Ryan's, it's a miracle that we have not seen more foot stomping or lift dropping in his and Ellenore's performances. Think about it--the eyes are instantaneously drawn to the cheddar-colored chest, not a spot point. Let's just hope the choreographers don't throw in shenae turns in upcoming numbers.

3. Threat of adultery: Let's not forget that the captain of cheese himself has a wifey who's on the show as well; a wife, who I may add, is limitlessly hotter than him. Seeing as she's probably never seen her husband's face because the glow is so blinding, it isn't unreasonable to think that she would jump in bed with an oompa loompa or even a pumpkin and not even realize the difference.

Aside from the tan being dangerous, it also creates an completely unjust environment. The tan was so blinding last night, that the judges actually commended Ryan for his life-sucking attempt at hip hop. Poor Ellenore; she was so much better than he was and took all the criticism. On that note, the judges need to stop trying to level the playing field. Give acclaim where it is due and not where it isn't (And yes, that means no applause for the tan).

Stacey is the new Mia

Bold statement... I know. With the exception of the bad hair and question of sexual preference, Stacey Tookey has proven to the So You Think You Can Dance world that something good DOES come out of Canada besides hockey, maple syrup, and Niagara Falls (which, by the way you ignoramuses out there should know we share). After we pulled a Steinbrenner and stole SYTYCD Canada's best choreographer for ourselves, she has been stepping it up, proving to Mia that you don't need to be a scary-diva-bitch to create something beautiful. If you don't know who I'm talking about you should a) be ashamed b) watch the damn show and c) visit the below for a taste as to what Stacey has provided the states thus far:

Season 5: "Falling Slowly" Karla and Jonathon
Described as a "chance encounter between two strangers," this number would make even Lance Bass believe Jonathon was straight. The sexual chemistry that sizzled over the bunson burner that was Stacey's debut choreography made my panties want to "fall slowly" as well. My one problem with the performance was that I'm saddened to say I've never had a chance encounter end in moonlight dancing at pumptown. Oh well... here's hoping.

Season 5: "All I Want" Kayla and Brandon
Oh the classic tale of sexy blonde mistress meets shirtless married man with a body chiseled by angels. Shame on you, those who judge; this number put adultery at the top of everyone's bucket list. Seeing as Brandon holds Kayla up above his head for... eh... 98% of the dance, it's obvious here who likes it on top. And yes, Stacey, we love your style.

Season 6: "2 Steps Away" Katryn and Legacy
Last week, this little ditty blew everyone away. Danced by that girl that cries and that guy with a head made out of steel, this number symbolized being held back by fear. Though, yes, a little reminiscent of Mia's addiction number from season 5, but it made us squeal in awe nonetheless. Hell, I wish my fear followed me around in the form of a dreamy BBoy--especially one that can transcend all limitations of the human body. Yum, Legacy.... and "congratulations to the pair of you."

Part 2 Season 6 Premiere... Of that Show that Needs No Introduction

This season in SYTYCD, we have been graced with a married couple with one on the DL, a tap dancing muppet who does poetry, a serial crier, and a coked out cheerleader. This may be a bold statement, but I'm going to have trouble forming an emotion connection with the top 20 this season. So far, nobody has been able to do it for me since Season 4. I miss Twitch, and Joshua, and Chelsea, and Kerrington; hell I'll even branch out and throw love for Janine Mason. Season 6 better shed the acts and get real.

I won't harp on the bad, however. There was a lot of good tonight (cough cough wink wink Travis Wall). One of the best routines I've ever seen on the show was the contemporary number lil Trav put together. Props to Bianca---if she shuts up long enough to actually dance she can do a pretty stellar job. And mah gurl, Sonia; again, she kills it with the choreography. My heart goes out to Eleanor, though; being paired with the captain of cheese can't be the easiest task to take on. It could be worse, however--you could be stuck with Phillip. Ugh the thought itself makes me cringe.

If you didn't watch tonight's performance... stop reading. They threw us for a curve when the judges decided on who to boot of first this season. Again, Nigel must be sucking at the brandy teet because kicking off Ariana? Not cool for me. I would have much rather seen Pauline or Channing get the axe. Oh well, maybe gimpy won't make it back next week and Ariana can return to the show and bitch slap Mary. I always wanted to see someone do that.

Enough for now. Goodnight kids. I leave you with this: "Congratulations to the pair of you"

Part 1 Season 6 Premiere...Of that show that needs no Introduction

Holy Wade Robson it's back again. After about three and a half months of audition rounds (yes... that was an exaggeration--but not a big one), SYTYCD is yet again back in our lives. This season they switched it up in more ways than one. Most obviously, the opening creds no longer feature the signature head dive which we all knew and loved. Most dissapointingly, they're sticking with the stage from Season 5's finale. Woof.

In addition to new cosmetic alterations, we have some so-serious changes happening on the judging panel. First and foremost... lucky us get to cry EVERY week now that Adam Shankman has become a permanent figurehead behind the almighty table. The angel of words himself will dazzle you with his loquatious outpourings of love while the angel of vodka will sumble to do the same. That's right, it's also been announced that Paula Abdul will be a recurring guest judge on the show this season. Something tells me that Nigel had a few too many snifters of brandy before making that decision.

I've always been a firm believer that the more you drink, the better dancer you are. That's why I don't really have a problem with this whole "Paula Abdul guest judge" nonsense; maybe her breath will intoxicate the dancers and it'll be like my Saturday night all over again. Think about it... how hot would it be if all the couples lost their inhibitions and started full out grinding out on the D-floor? I have no doubts this is the reason why Mia decided to peace the show. Well, in all honesty, judging from her recent haircut it's quite possible that the show quit her. Everyone knows that there's no ugly people allowed on SYTYCD! If you don't know what I'm talking about... please click here.

Now let's discuss who we love and hate:

Love:

-Arianna, Ellenore, Karen, and Noelle: They pretty much dominated all the girls last night and didn't get as much credit as deserved.

-Jacob, Nathan, Russel, and Peter: The first three because they're amazing--the last because I think he's kind of dreamy

Hate:

-Mollee: If this girl wasn't 18 I would stamp a scarlet C on her chest. This cracked out Lizzy Maguire is way too laced bubble-gum for my liking. The fact that she dances like a four-year-old doesn't help either.

-Phillip: I spent all last night trying to figure out which muppet Phillip's stupid tap dancing face reminds me of. I came to the conclusion that it was a cross between Burt and a character from Avenue Q. Hate the attitude, hate the face, and hate hate HATE the slam poetry.

-Ashleigh: Yeah she's hot... but lord knows she's a wench behind the curtain. I would too if I married a gay--it's quite clear that her sexual frustration is making her a bitch.

And there you have it folks... Dance it out.