Dear Gossip Girl,
Thank you for turning Nassau County into the mystical, fantastical story book paradise I always hoped it would be. A place where the streets are lined with white wooden fences and the trees are as plentiful as the Garden of Eden. A place where silver wolves roam free in the moonlight, frolicking through the mist to the sweet songs of nightingales. A place so quiet and uninhabited that you could crash a car on a major street, crawl out unharmed, move the passenger to the drivers seat and hitch a ride with a getaway car. A place so far removed from the business of Manhattan it would require Nate Archibald to sigh and say "how long until we get to Nassau County?"
Well guess what Nate, by the time you spit the words out, you were probably already there. In truth, Nassau County is a whole lot less storybook and a whole lot more... well... "howyadoin." Yes, as a native Nassau Countian, I have the authority to paint the picture of what might have really happened when Serena drove half an hour from the city to join Tripp in the act of home wrecking:
First she'd drown in the sounds of techno before being surrounded by a sea of blow outs. Then they'll force her to wear acrylic nails, dye her hair black, rock too much gold jewelry and wear some variation of Ed Hardy. Then she and Trip would make it a night out at Glo where they can meet Jwow (Yes, the Jersey Shore star is actually from my home town. Yeah... we're ecstatic about it). From there they'll dance the night away on a cocaine high that would make even Serena chant "Jagerbombs." Then she'll probably also hallucinate about Bart Bass as creepily as Chuck did (Um... THAT was weird). From there, she'll pass out, and the ambulance would come and NOT take her to Nassau Grace hospital (because... well... it doesn't exist). Eek... but traffic would be so heinous it won't make it to the hospital on time. Sorry, Serena... you dead.
Ok... wow! I've gotten a little out of hand here. While the gross misrepresentation of my silly little home made me a wee bit upset, there was some heart wrenching moments that even made this Long Island bitch shed a tear. Example A: The Chuck-to-Blair forehead smooch (Gets me every time). Example B: A sleeping Natey-poo at Serena's bedside. Every girl deserves a pet.
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