I can always count on my girl Snooki to broaden the limits of my knowledge base. Even on the very first episode of the JS's 3rd season (the highest rated show ever accoding to the FB status of Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino. Don't judge me), Snooks taught me that looking like a hooker is awesome, you never grow out of stuffed animals, and most importantly, that squirrel monkeys are a ferocious band of beasts that should never be messed with no matter what their size might be.
This prompted me, as always, to learn more about this scrappy, Napoleon-esque creature. Please allow me to share:
Squirrel Monkey, from the Latin: Saimiri Gorilla Juiceheadeum, is native to the shore areas of central Jersey, seasonally thriving in the area known as Seaside (but if you were to ask Sammmi she'd just say "Ugh. (Pause. Eye Roll.) Jersaay").
The female squirrel monkey is the most interesting of the species. She requires an excess of Vitamin D to be accepted by the squirrel monkey community. She feeds upon cherry vodka, pickles, and whatever Gorilla juice-head sauseeege she can get her hands on. Otherwise mistaken for a "meatball," a female squirrel monkey cannot go two months without having sex or she will involuntarily show her cooch to the first male she sees.
The male squirrel monkey is also very sexual and is often forced to "stick it in one of the jetholes." Perferred mating ritual of the male squirrel monkey is to prepare with GTL (a practice similar to peacocking) and seek out non-grenades to intoxicate and bring back to the mating nest, otherwise known as the hottub. The male squirrel monkey's diet consists of burgers for the boys, protein shakes, and lady squirrel monkey.
The squirrel monkey, while often large, is not the most intellegent of primates. Shunned by most other species, the squirrel monkies band together to "beat the beat," a ritual believed to repel the more intellegent animalia.
Well... I hope this was as intellectually stimulating for you as it was for me. Until next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment