Echolacation and the Train to Pump Town

When I was younger I wanted to be a marine biologist (granted, when I was younger I was fat and hairy and didn’t have any friends and once read that dolphins made exceptional companions so take that as you will). Anywho, on my life journey towards my ultimate goal, I started collecting random facts about our underwater pals. Did you know that a dolphin can detect a 2.5 cm tird (roughly an inch for those metric illiterate) from over 70 meters away? I bet you’re asking yourself “WTF is she getting at?” Well…

Me : Dolphin :: Mary Murphy : Tird

A couple of months ago I began to suffer from a ringing in my ear that I can only imagine an echolating dolphin would experience. After time, I began to make out some words through the ringing; slowly but surely I heard it… “HOT.” “TAMALE.” “TRAIN.” “WOOOOO WOOOOOO.” Ugh, I’ll take the ringing. That’s the day I learned Mary Murphy was healthy (phewf!) and back on SYTYCD.

While I'm positively giddy that the Murphster is back and feeling fabulous, I have to assume that Nigel is really the one welcome her back with open arms (cough... legs). I've had a theory for quite some time that the reason Mary continues to be such a show staple year after year is that she’s giving Nigel some serious southern HJs during commercial breaks. It all makes sense, really. Every time the tamale train rings, someone at the table is climaxing. (If you’re never able to watch the show after this without involuntarily vomiting I apologize). Though knowing Nigel, he probably only exerts himself when Mary puts teeny tap shoes on her fingers and does Two for Tea on his peen (oops sorry… I swear I’m done).

If you haven’t gotten a chance to get acquainted with Season 8’s talent, I strongly suggest you do so. The contestants this year are SO good that they make Alex Wong look like William Hung. A word of advice, however: stay away from Jess Leprotto; this Broadway dancer is what Eugene Levy would be if he lost his sad excuse for a sense of humor and developed a case of dwarfism. My favorites this year are Ryan (that’s a chic), Clarice, Wadi, and Melanie. In truth, they’re all pretty spectacular (except Jess. Woof).

Tune in tonight to see who goes home (cough… Jess). Happy Dancing!