I decided to be a good daughter last Thursday night and put Project Runway on the back burner so that Pops could watch the premiere of Fringe. (I know... I'm a little late on this one. Some people spend their weekends being productive, saving the world; I spend mine in a vodka/food enduced coma). Now don't get me wrong, I have a pretty serious infatuation with JJ Abrams and his twisted psyche, but last week's body snatchers storyline was more outrageous than my reaction to Lady Gaga's VMA performance: hiding under the sofa for 12 hours with a night light and a bible.
It saddens me that Fringe's new timeslot will seriously cut off my weekly dose of Joshua Jackson and Anna Torv-- ESPECIALLY now that they should be gettin freaky soon (I HATE missing good TV sexytime). This show is going to be HUGE this season--know how I can tell? Anna Torv's incredible Emmy dress. An amazing dress is pretty much the key to everything.
Sigh; but there is a chocolate-covered coating to my strife: from tomorrow on out my Thursday nights will be devoted exclusively to dreamy, steamy, and weeny (Meredith, duh). That is of course if I can survive without George.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Divalicious definition make the host go loco
"Omigod... I saw Liza and nearly died"
-Brandon
Here I am... Sitting on the train, dreamily trying to live vicariously through my friend who had star quality seats at last night's Divas Live. From him I have a few items to report:
1. When you say "I love you" to Adele, she says it back. I could write something mean here, but seeing as it's happy friday, I'll simply smile and say "how sweet."
2. My girl Miley was unfortunately the only performer last night to pull an Ashlee Simpson. Another note, they seem to have lowered the diva-ing age a little to much this year. In my book, no one can be a Diva until they have boobs to flaunt and a man to torture. I still love Miles, though. She can do no wrong in my eyes.
And last but not least...
3. Paula was wasted. Shocker.
I think it was at the second note of "Opposites Attract" when I knew for sure that we were in for a rough night. Calling Kathy Griffin a firecrotch was pretty much a tell tale sign as well. Can't say I didn't love every second of THAT. Damn you Kathy Griffin.
The moral of the story here is that somewhere in hollywoodtown, Kara "heresths the thing" Diaguardi is cackaling to herself while rolling around in her American Idol paycheck which she no doubt cashed in for one dolla bills lil wheezy style. Hell that's what I would do if I secured that gig.
I bet right now Kara is practing the three phrases she's going to repeat like a broken record while simultaneously giving Simon a hand job.
Little does she know that there's no way she'll take Paula's seat next to Mr. Cowell. Simon would rather burn his bzillion dollar paychecks in Kathy Griffin's firecrotch than deal with that situation. Thank GOD for Ellen!
-Brandon
Here I am... Sitting on the train, dreamily trying to live vicariously through my friend who had star quality seats at last night's Divas Live. From him I have a few items to report:
1. When you say "I love you" to Adele, she says it back. I could write something mean here, but seeing as it's happy friday, I'll simply smile and say "how sweet."
2. My girl Miley was unfortunately the only performer last night to pull an Ashlee Simpson. Another note, they seem to have lowered the diva-ing age a little to much this year. In my book, no one can be a Diva until they have boobs to flaunt and a man to torture. I still love Miles, though. She can do no wrong in my eyes.
And last but not least...
3. Paula was wasted. Shocker.
I think it was at the second note of "Opposites Attract" when I knew for sure that we were in for a rough night. Calling Kathy Griffin a firecrotch was pretty much a tell tale sign as well. Can't say I didn't love every second of THAT. Damn you Kathy Griffin.
The moral of the story here is that somewhere in hollywoodtown, Kara "heresths the thing" Diaguardi is cackaling to herself while rolling around in her American Idol paycheck which she no doubt cashed in for one dolla bills lil wheezy style. Hell that's what I would do if I secured that gig.
I bet right now Kara is practing the three phrases she's going to repeat like a broken record while simultaneously giving Simon a hand job.
Little does she know that there's no way she'll take Paula's seat next to Mr. Cowell. Simon would rather burn his bzillion dollar paychecks in Kathy Griffin's firecrotch than deal with that situation. Thank GOD for Ellen!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
More horse porn?
As I was exercising my Wednesday night ritual of not exercising and instead watching TV, I engaged in a bit of channel cheating (naughty) on FOX while watching SYTYCD and sneaking clips of this week's ANTM. So sue me... it's still the audition rounds.
My eyes did not deceive me--I got my 2nd dose of horse porn in one week of television. That's like 300% more horse porn than any person should EVER see on TV. This post is weird. I should stop saying horse porn.
But yes, there they were. All the "pocket sized" beauties (Oh... and by pocket-size I mean that the shortest by far is my size at 5'3. What a kick in the ego.) were topless, wearing ass-long hair extensions and rubbing their chi chis all over those poor beautiful animals. The only thing weirder than this concept is Tyra herself. It's impressive actually, I never thought that Tyra could get crazier but holy hell was I wrong.
This week Tyra dressed her crazy ass in a super-hero suit calling herself "Super Smize." She then proceeded to dress her minions up like the IO cable pixels and forced them to cover their faces and compete against each other by smiling with their eyes. Oh Ty TY, you never disappoint. Now let's take the time to reflect on one of your finest moments:
Wait... Kurt is Gay?
Sometimes I find that I love so many things--it's impossible to just shove all of that love into the mere 24 hours of a day. This is why I so appreciate the invention of items that combine the things I love... like grilled cheese, tinted moisturizer, the romper, blood orange margaritas, the snuggie, the puggle. Actually, I also REALLY like combining. I'll stop.
So you can understand my enthusiasm when I found the most perfect little television show that combines comedy, music, teen romance, and delicious high school satire; a show that in so many ways satiates my every sitcom need. If you haven't realized I'm talking about Glee yet, turn on a freakin television.
I'm pretty obsessed--so much so that's it's hard to pinpoint the things that I love... but I will...
Coach Sylvester and Kurt.
Speaking of Kurt, I'm a little confused about the last episode. We're talking about a kid that tried out for Glee club with "Mr. Cellophane" and wears double breasted cropped blazers to school... he really isn't out of the closet yet? Yeah... that's believable.
My favorite is how Mercedes goes as far as to pull a Britney and smash poor Kurty's windshield in when her love was unrequited. Hmm... girlfriend needs to quit Diva's Live and watch a few episodes of Will and Grace.
Heart Kurt! Heart this show! Yayyyyy Gleeeee!
Horse Porn
GG is back baby! In preparation for the sacred event I poured myself a dirty martini and watched my slideshow of Ed Westwick pictures to "Breathe On Me" on repeat. Ok, I didn't really... But I probably should. Jessica Szohr is one lucky bitch. First, she gets to touch no-no parts with Chuck Bass AND she has a fashion spread in Page Six magazine's re-debut issue! Ugh... Exactly why she must be my first item of discussion...
A)Ok, so Vanessa is about to start at NYU after being "cool and artsy" by homeschooling herself in all the years leading up to now. Regardless, there is no need for home girl to start wearing dreds. What was the up with the mop head? NOT a fan.
B) MO-ing with Dan's creepy half brother? I guess I could maybe get on board... IF he wasn't 8 feet shorter than her! Comeon casting dept... You should know that sometimes even Vanessa needs to wear heels.
C) The only good part of having a dude for a best friend is that there is NO need for super stalking. And heads up, Vanessa, Dan believes that more than you. Hell, that's what actual girlfriends are for. Step off already... it's embarassing.
Ok now that I've gotten that off my chest, let's talk about what made my heart smile ALL episode long... Blair and Chuck 2gether 4ever. HEART! Now this is the television relationship I've been waiting for my whole adult life: one that combines real love, wild sex, and Ed Westwick in a tuxedo. I totally had the pee-pee sensation all episode long.
I can't really say the same for Serena and her new found fetish with beastiality. "Look at me paparazzi" really? THIS is a storyline? I'm not going to be able to stand this much longer... I'm also not going to stand for the queezy feeling I get looking at Serena's facial expression while riding on the horse. Neighhhh.
A)Ok, so Vanessa is about to start at NYU after being "cool and artsy" by homeschooling herself in all the years leading up to now. Regardless, there is no need for home girl to start wearing dreds. What was the up with the mop head? NOT a fan.
B) MO-ing with Dan's creepy half brother? I guess I could maybe get on board... IF he wasn't 8 feet shorter than her! Comeon casting dept... You should know that sometimes even Vanessa needs to wear heels.
C) The only good part of having a dude for a best friend is that there is NO need for super stalking. And heads up, Vanessa, Dan believes that more than you. Hell, that's what actual girlfriends are for. Step off already... it's embarassing.
Ok now that I've gotten that off my chest, let's talk about what made my heart smile ALL episode long... Blair and Chuck 2gether 4ever. HEART! Now this is the television relationship I've been waiting for my whole adult life: one that combines real love, wild sex, and Ed Westwick in a tuxedo. I totally had the pee-pee sensation all episode long.
I can't really say the same for Serena and her new found fetish with beastiality. "Look at me paparazzi" really? THIS is a storyline? I'm not going to be able to stand this much longer... I'm also not going to stand for the queezy feeling I get looking at Serena's facial expression while riding on the horse. Neighhhh.
Again... let's dwell on the positive. Ahhhhh love. Please see below.
Menage Tues
There are often times when my overzealous celbritity fetish has gotten the best of me. Most recently, during FNO (my new favorite day of the year; thanks, Vogue) I decided that I was going to spend 200 dollars on a pair of mediocre jeans (that I did NOT try on btw) so that I could be one of the lucky 150 ladies to meet/grope/MO with Justin Timberlake (I wasn't kidding about the overzealous thing... I truly believed all of those things were going to happen). As luck would have it, I was granted 2 VIP passes to my very own dreamy scenario as well as a big fat FINAL SALE stamp on my receipt. Oh well--who gives a shit!? I'm going to forinacate with JT right? Sure, or be 10 feet away from him for a whole minute and 36 seconds (I counted). Where was this going? Oh right...
So when I got a tip from a colleage that the entire cast of Melrose Place was bringing cupcakes to my old office, I knew I wouldn't let myself miss out on that. After getting the last minute OK from my boss to take a break, I bolted down to the elevator and out the door quicker than you could say Ashlee Simpson. As a side note, I should probably mention... This gal runs NO where. All exercise-induced asthma aside, it's not so cute. Since birth I've been fortunate enough for two feet that make 180 degree angles when standing. I'll let you ponder that for a minute...
Immediately after body slamming the front doors of my office building, I got a text: "hurry! They're here!" No doubt I olympic sprinted down 12 NYC blocks in blistering 100 degree heat. Finally I made it to the conference room, hair falling out, makeup oozing off--i looked goooood. Breathlessly throwing myself through the door, practicing how I would tell Ashlee I backhanded a group of 6th graders to make it to the front of the stage during her 2004 mall tour, I found myself in a room with 3 friends, 1 rep, an old supervisor, and 10-12 of the sexiest men I've ever seen in my mere 23 years. No Ashlee but totes worth the sweat.
Whatever... I was there right? Might as well make the best of it and open myself of to some mindless innocent flirtation (they may be nameless but they were foinee). I took mental pictures so that I could brag about which non-principal cast member told me "he was enjoying my company." Showtime.
So it premiered... On "menage Tues" of last week (god, I love that). Of course I DVRed, as i would not miss an opportunity to incite jealousy on my friends (eek that sounded bad... sorry guys). I curled up on my couch with a cup of tea and a vibrator--kidding... Sort of. Yet alas. To my dismay, after an hour of bad acting, cheesy blurred flashbacks, and one really adorable scene involving that cutie from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies, I saw not one of my men from earlier that afternoon.
So, needless to say... I'm a little jaded in regards to this second hand, sexed up version of a 90s classic. Especially because the cast was like 38 years old in the original (please see below) and like 19 in remake? Not so synergistic, but I'll keep watching... ya know... just in case.
So when I got a tip from a colleage that the entire cast of Melrose Place was bringing cupcakes to my old office, I knew I wouldn't let myself miss out on that. After getting the last minute OK from my boss to take a break, I bolted down to the elevator and out the door quicker than you could say Ashlee Simpson. As a side note, I should probably mention... This gal runs NO where. All exercise-induced asthma aside, it's not so cute. Since birth I've been fortunate enough for two feet that make 180 degree angles when standing. I'll let you ponder that for a minute...
Immediately after body slamming the front doors of my office building, I got a text: "hurry! They're here!" No doubt I olympic sprinted down 12 NYC blocks in blistering 100 degree heat. Finally I made it to the conference room, hair falling out, makeup oozing off--i looked goooood. Breathlessly throwing myself through the door, practicing how I would tell Ashlee I backhanded a group of 6th graders to make it to the front of the stage during her 2004 mall tour, I found myself in a room with 3 friends, 1 rep, an old supervisor, and 10-12 of the sexiest men I've ever seen in my mere 23 years. No Ashlee but totes worth the sweat.
Whatever... I was there right? Might as well make the best of it and open myself of to some mindless innocent flirtation (they may be nameless but they were foinee). I took mental pictures so that I could brag about which non-principal cast member told me "he was enjoying my company." Showtime.
So it premiered... On "menage Tues" of last week (god, I love that). Of course I DVRed, as i would not miss an opportunity to incite jealousy on my friends (eek that sounded bad... sorry guys). I curled up on my couch with a cup of tea and a vibrator--kidding... Sort of. Yet alas. To my dismay, after an hour of bad acting, cheesy blurred flashbacks, and one really adorable scene involving that cutie from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies, I saw not one of my men from earlier that afternoon.
So, needless to say... I'm a little jaded in regards to this second hand, sexed up version of a 90s classic. Especially because the cast was like 38 years old in the original (please see below) and like 19 in remake? Not so synergistic, but I'll keep watching... ya know... just in case.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
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