Sha-Bang, Sha-Boom, Sha-Bye

No need to refill your supply of antimicrobial foam earplugs for tonight's episode of American Idol... the velvet curtain has closed on the scream queen.

That's right, folks, Siobhan Magnus was booted last week despite votefortheworst.com's failed attempts of keeping her around. Take THAT, you despicable abuse of internet pestilence. Now the ingrates have dubbed Big Mike as their next "worst." While I do despise the site with every cell in my body, they always do have a way of getting it right. Bastards.

Well, if we've learned anything from Siobhan's stint on the show, we've learned of the potent, distracting powers of face sparkles and stupid-ass outfits. You know it too--if Siobhan hadn't had paraded around stage looking like Cindy Lauper on crack, we would have realized her voice blew a long time ago. We've also learned that we viewers are hypnotized by the sing-scream, a spellbinding exercise of voice perfected by the great Adam Lambert. In truth, when Siobhan wasn't screaming, I wanted to. Her low, monotone, sing-song voice made me think I was watching the audition rounds rather than the top 6.

The fact that people are surprised that Siobhan siobhounced last week really boggles my mind. My dad actually said the words "if Shabang leaves I'm not watching the show." I should have prefaced that with the fact that we're trying to convince my dad to get his ears checked. And by the looks of the below, David Letterman could use a visit as well. Let's remind their ears (and eyes) of what they're actually missing:

Victory Over the Tween

Post-adolescents rejoice! Finally, the quest in reclaiming our dignity over our younger counterparts has left us victorious! Take that, Demi Lovato.

Alright, let me start from the beginning...

In my more recent years, the ill-will I've harbored towards those of the pre-teen variety has snowballed to a mass of epic proportions. Some might say that this increase in resentment is directly reflective to the increase in cellulite appearing in my more-than-ever dumpy ass. Whatever the case may be, I've made it my personal vendetta to strike war against the recently pubescent, those smug little twits with their super-sonic metabolisms, new perky boobs, and parent's money.

Think that's harsh? I sure don't. Because of them, I've been forced to listen to Tim "Teflon" Urban on American Idol WEEKS past his welcome. Well America, I'm happy to report that last week was the last. That's right; prince puberty has left the building--Victory is ours at last!

Now, in their defense, tweens don't always have it wrong. Take the Twilight saga for example; That Taylor Lautner gives me more lady tickles than any legal-aged man candy. And High School Musical? Hell, it's Glee on the big screen--what's not to love? But use your youthful sexual charges to keep Tim Herb-an in the running over talent like Didi and Katie? Tisk, tisk little ones... Tisk tisk. And while we're on the subject, enough with this Beiber fever nonsense. Mushroom cuts were so 1996.

Well, it was truly a great group effort, banding together as one saggy unit to give justice and votes to the deserving 20-somethings. So give yourselves a pat on the back and wear your thigh dimples as a symbol of triumph. Sure they may have their whole lives before them, the world at their fingertips, and the ability to eat a big mac without growing another chin, but YOU, dear friends, have your pick of remaining idol contenders. And well... that's really all that matters after all.

*Editors Note: It's come to my attention that my arch nemesis website, votefortheworst.com, a site that tries to get people to vote for the worst idol contestant every week, has selected a new target. Now that Tim Urban has finally been booted, Sioban Magnus has been selected as the new "worst."

She said WHAT?!

Last night Kara DioGuardi confirmed to America that she really is just talking out of her ass.

Following Michael Lynch's rendition of India Arie's "Ready for Love," Kaka had this feedback to give:

"I hate to admit, I've never heard that song until you chose it. I went to listen to it and I have to say you did an incredible job with it, you really did. You mastered the intention behind it even though you're so far from that in your own personal life. You got to the true emotion of the song. It was tasteful. It was lovely. It was one of my favorite performances."

Hm. Interesting. Wasn't it Kara who boasted last night about her success in the industry as a song writer? Yeah, certainly she's doing her competitive research. Here's a new term to add to your b.s. repertoire, DioGuardi... industry awareness. Even I, who do no more than listen to Gaga on repeat, have heard that song. Hell I was even singing along myself... as I do every episode... in front of the mirror... with a hairbrush microphone.

And not for nothing, after hearing that song ONCE you were able to get a full understanding of the "intention" and "true emotion" of the song? I would venture to guess you weren't even able to do that with Sisqo's 1990 hit masterpiece, "Thong Song."

Kaka was right about one thing, however; It was a lovely performance. But it was NOTHING compared to my boo, Lee's performance of "Treat Her Like a Lady" or Andrew Garcia's interpretation of "Forever." Who could I have done without last night? I hate to say it... but Shabang. Her performance was about as tolerable as a bleach cocktail. And Tim Urban? So help me God if I have to watch him perform ever again. Oh well... the sun is shining... let's focus on the good, shall we?

American... Idle?

Is it just me? Or is this season of Idol about as exciting as a wet paper towel? I feel as if my favorite restaurant decided to stop putting salt in their ciabatta bread. Have you ever had salt-free bread? Well, let me assure you... it sucks.

Sucking much like the talent this season, in fact. During last night's result show, I actually prayed to St. Simon to do the unthinkable and send both Paige and Tim Urban home. Now don't get me wrong... I'm as superficial as they come. Of course there can be no such thing as an unattractive idol; but don't let that be the only reason to keep Tim "I may be cute but my voice is as annoying as white noise" Urban. COMEON now! I'm pretty certain that if you had to listen to that kid on the radio 24/7 there would be a dangerous jump in highway collisions.

That's the problem with this show. Our fate is in the hands of pre-pubescent teens exploring their new found pee-pee sensation. Get a clue, youngings... in a few years Tim Urban is going to look like Papa Joe Simpson and you're going to be thinking to yourselves, "I probably should have voted for that more-talented other hot guy... Crystal."

All jokes aside, Crystal, Lee and Siobhan (or Sha-bang, according to my Dad) seem to be the saving graces of season 9. I propose that they just knock everybody else off and have these three duke it out amongst themselves for the rest of the show. Though, this still wouldn't mean we won't have to suffer through any more unfortunate accessory incidents. Don't understand what I'm referring to? Think back to the feather earrings, plastic necklaces, and hair flair of the past few weeks. Seriously... who dresses these people?! They all look like garage sale casualties.

And speaking of garages, why is it that these dumbass Ford commercials just keep getting gayer by the week? Just thinking about the amount of money Ford is spending to make people fast forward their placements makes me want to vom. I have an idea... Ford should just give Ryan some more money for drugs. "Ryan's awkward behavior has been brought to you by Ford Motors." That'll guarantee some viewership.

Well, we can't exactly complain about Ryan not bringing excitement to the table. Hell, if I were Ryan Seacrest I'd probably need some speed too. Check out the crazy eyes in the video below where Ryan gets the munchies and tries to eat St. Simon (Feel free to FF to the 5 min mark... I wouldn't want to make you sit through that performance).

Beggars Can't Be... American Idols

The setting: 4th grade slumber party. The year was 1995.

The mood: Tense. The host, with her early developed chest and enabling parents, was by far the most popular girl at school. I? Nicknamed "Hairy" and not even allowed to shave my legs or listen to TLC? Not so much.

The game: "Who is going to be famous"

The rules: Sing (a cool song), dance (provocatively), act (sexually), or call a boy (always a good idea) to impress the host and her posse of under-aged plastics so that they can ultimately decide your fate as a future superstar. Awesome.

As I sat in line, rehearsing the lyrics of "Colors of the Wind," I thought to myself 'Wow! This is my chance.' I mean, I had scored the leading role in the 4th grade production of Pocahontas opposite the elementary school equivalent of Brad Pitt. Despite my unusually hairy arms and un-proportioned sideburns, clearly I would be the most famous when I grew up. Without a doubt, the popular girls would deem me fame-bound and would want to be my bffs... ae.

I stood before the judges table, the host bitch's canopy bed which I would later learn she had peed frequently, and confidently sang my solo in the delusional likeness of Vanessa Williams (no... NOT the voice of cartoon Pocahontas). I awaited applause... but was only faced with booming laughter. "Nice song, Pocahairy." Womp womp. Isn't that what it always comes to? Fucking song choice.

Ah yes. Song choice: The key to American Idol success. Pick a wrong song and you might as well just stand up there and pick your dingle-berries. Sing Gwen Stefani when you should be singing Barry White? Well sweetie, you just sang success sionara.

The only thing more appalling than picking the wrong song is to beg the judges for another chance. Hello people! Have you seen the show?! (Warning: nerdy career-based learnings ahead) Based on the ratings for A18-49 I would assume so! In that case, there is NO excuse for groveling. Call it pride, call it arrogance, but I refuse to beg for anything (ever since the 4th grade, that is). "Can I sing something else?" "Lemme get another stab at it." "Comeon, Dawg this is my dream--give me another chance!" No... the answer is always ALWAYS absolutely NOT. Salvage any bit of dignity, man. Idiots.

Luckily for the viewing public, begging was at a tolerable minimum this week as the judges decided the fate of remaining Hollywood week contestants. What were we left with? A top 24 selection that would surpass a selection of 24 of anything--baked goods, hits of the late 90s, Westminster Kennel Club dog show finalists, etc. We were also left with a new Glee preview so nipple-ticklingly exciting that I had the pee-pee sensation for a whole 24 hours. I've provided both videos below. Yeah, I know... you love me.

Want more American Idol videos? Click here.

The Case Against Kara DioGuardi

"Heresths the thing," Kara... Everyone hates you.

It's true. So far this season the only guest judge that showed moderate fondness of the black sheep on the AI panel has been Victoria Beckham. Interestingly enough, Poshy Poo was also the guest judge who coined the line "I believe you are a person that would excel in retail." Correct--she is incapable of being mean to anyone.

You know deep down Vicky Becks is aching to "slama body down and wind it all around" when it comes to Kara. According to teasers, next week they're bringing Posh back for another stint behind the judges table. My guess is that no one else agreed to sit next to Kara for more than :30 seconds. Poor Posh is going to implode; her frail little body doesn't look like it could internalize any more aggravation.

Case in point, my new idol... Katy Perry. Mah girl had no tolerance for the word vomit that consistently spews out of Kara's mouth. Her exact words: "[Kara], please shut up before I throw my coke in your face." Couldn't have said it better myself. While Kara denied the feud to Us weekly saying the two were "joking around" those of us who are not retarded know better. EVERYONE. HATES. KARA.

Other Kaka (typo, but it stays) haters? Simon Cowell... well... obviously. With every roll of his eyes, Simon is one step closer to escaping from her hellish existence forever. God save American Idol when that day comes. Another Kaka hater? Last night's guest judge and my personal TVGBFF, Neil Patrick Harris. NPH nearly punched a bitch's lights out within the first :20 seconds of last nights show. I have to believe that his little tiffs with Simon were the product misplaced anger. In reality, he wanted each jab at Simon to be an industrial staple to Kaka's mouth.

In an effort to stomach Idol this season, I offer Kaka a bit of advice: stop talking just to hear the sound of your own voice. Take a hint from Joe Jonas' judging debut last night; the shorter, the sweeter.

"Joe, yes or no?"
"Yeah"

"Kara, yes or no?"
"You know what? I really like you. I think you got something. I'm gonna say yes."

"Joe, yes or no?"
"Yeah"

"Kara, yes or no?"
"A hundred percent yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You're my favorite of the day."

"Joe, yes or no?"
"Yeah"

"Kara, yes or no?"
"No, sorry sweetie. It just wasn't there for me."

Ugh! "Heresths the thing," Kaka, while you may talk around in circles, your voice makes me want to punch a baby. Do America a favor and put your tongue in a head lock. Or maybe we'll just let Katy Perry do it.

Divalicious definition make the host go loco

"Omigod... I saw Liza and nearly died"
-Brandon

Here I am... Sitting on the train, dreamily trying to live vicariously through my friend who had star quality seats at last night's Divas Live. From him I have a few items to report:
1. When you say "I love you" to Adele, she says it back. I could write something mean here, but seeing as it's happy friday, I'll simply smile and say "how sweet."
2. My girl Miley was unfortunately the only performer last night to pull an Ashlee Simpson. Another note, they seem to have lowered the diva-ing age a little to much this year. In my book, no one can be a Diva until they have boobs to flaunt and a man to torture. I still love Miles, though. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

And last but not least...

3. Paula was wasted. Shocker.

I think it was at the second note of "Opposites Attract" when I knew for sure that we were in for a rough night. Calling Kathy Griffin a firecrotch was pretty much a tell tale sign as well. Can't say I didn't love every second of THAT. Damn you Kathy Griffin.

The moral of the story here is that somewhere in hollywoodtown, Kara "heresths the thing" Diaguardi is cackaling to herself while rolling around in her American Idol paycheck which she no doubt cashed in for one dolla bills lil wheezy style. Hell that's what I would do if I secured that gig.

I bet right now Kara is practing the three phrases she's going to repeat like a broken record while simultaneously giving Simon a hand job.

Little does she know that there's no way she'll take Paula's seat next to Mr. Cowell. Simon would rather burn his bzillion dollar paychecks in Kathy Griffin's firecrotch than deal with that situation. Thank GOD for Ellen!