Monday, November 23, 2009

GA GA OOO LA LAAA


"My sexual radar is unparalleled." You knew it, a Blair quote. While my favorite former Queen of Constance spent the majority of last week's episode playing back up dancer to the saga that is manage a trois aftermath, her unmatched intuition of all things sexytime played first fiddle. Of course Serena and Tripp would dive head first into the arms of adultery. Of course Dan is an idiot for taking both his girlfriend and his gbff to pumptown on a bike made for three. Of COURSE Lady GaGa would put on a rediculously sexy secret concert for the members of the NYU Tisch students. And why, you ask? Blair said so... bitch.


More than being the moral voice of the hibbity dibbity, Blair also donated her ingenuity to the arts in efforts to create a modern day re-creation of Snow White with the musical inspiration of Tisch alum, Lady Gags. Confused are we? I don't see why. All fairytales lend themselves to freaky shit. Think about it. Alice in Wonderland... hallucinogenics. Peter Pan... "fairy dust?" that seems code for cocaina. Cinderella... prostitution (alright this one may be a stretch, but how else do you explain getting all dolled up to seduce a man with buttloads of cash the first night you meet him). Snow White... Lady GaGa, an addictive drug in her own right. Yes, moral of the story is that fairy tales are R-rated and mis-targeted. No wonder kids are growing up fast these days.


So, as a pre-Thanksgiving treat (and seeing as all shows will be repeats this week... gripes), I leave my loyal readers this video as a tribute to my girl Gags. My apologies for the nonsense dialogue that interupts this masterful work of art. No, Olivia, we don't care that you are leaving NYU to persue bad movies in the likeness of your real-life ego. No, Vanessa, we don't care that the homosexual cabaret president has a fake lady-beard crush on you. And no, Dan, we don't care... ever.


Also, I would like to dedicate this post to my boyfriend and his Lady GaGa fetish. Think that's weird? Suckit... It's my blog and personally I think it's hot.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Nigel Likes it Dirty


There's only one reason behind the fact that Karen and Ryan remain on the SYTYCD stage: Nigel likes it dirty. Sure in Ryan's case, it's because his face looks like he rolled around in a pile of clay mud. But Karen? Ohh Karen puts the whore in "Wow that girl is a great big whore."


To dance for her life last Wednesday, Karen rubbed one out on stage. Apparently that's what you have to do on So You Think You Can Dance to be considered "a performer" (Yes, that's what Nigel called her). Chasse, plie, pirouette, pas de bourree... consider yourselves old news. Dance talent now lies in the hands of the good people at adameve.com. (Please don't click that link if you're looking for Bible verses). The 27-year-old latin ballroom dancer made a name for herself when she tried out for the show with her husband. Days later the couple ended their marriage. Hmm my senses tell me she may be a bit sexually frustrated, no?


I also have it on good authority (I've been told I have phenomenal natural insticnts) that she's been doing the nasty with her dancing partner, Kevin. He was kicked off the show last week because... well... he sucked like a hoover, but not before a tearful goodbye from Karen. It will be interesting to see the sexual chemistry between her and new partner, Victor. He seems like he's really into vajayjay. Or not.

"I Thought You Would Call Me"


If there's one thing I've learned about guys in my short 23 years of trying to understand them, it's that they're not quite the sharpest angles in the rhombus (sorry fellas, I have a point I'm getting to. Swear). What I'm trying to say is that our man friends need everything completely spelled out for them. While they argue we speak in code, we argue that they can't decipher it and are in turn graced with the mental capacity of a meatball. So for the sake of editorial cohesion, I offer the male readers a short yet valuable lesson: "Babe, does my ass look bad in this dress?" does not mean "I want you to thoroughly analayze and critique the way my short hem line gives you a hearty taste of the celulite." No, it means "tell me I have a hot ass or you won't be able to tap it for a LONG time."

In true female code last week on Grey's, Dr. McNew Cardio Goddess says to Dr. McFirecrotch, "I thought you would call me." And yes, in true male confusion, Hunt merely nods, raises an eyebrow, and smiles nervously. We veiwers are then led to believe that he is uncomfortable with the recent outpouring of romantic feelings. However, I offer another opinion: he doesn't get it.

Sorry for doubting the ability for a man, a doctor at that, to recognize the smoke signals and send in rescue efforts, but in all seriousness the facial expression says it all. In fact, you know he's thinking to himself "but I did call, didn't I? Isn't that why she's here at Seattle Grace? I did dial and she did pick up right?" Silly Hunt, all the lady's trying to say is that she wants to get it on.

And in that respect, let me be the first to say SUKIT Dr. McNew Cardio Goddess. We finally have a good thing going here between Cristina and frotch. If things go sour for those two we may have another monumentally ugly cry on our hands and THAT is not something we'll be able to forgive you for.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I HATE YOU TIME WARNER! But I LOVE you, GLEEEE!


As some of you may know, I recently upped out and moved into Manhattan. Here I am thinking I have the world at my fingertips; "The place where you can get whatever you want whenever you want at a moment's notice," some say. Well, all I asked Manhattan for is an apartment walking distance from my office and a decent cable provider to satiate my above-average television needs. I just found out my office is moving to SoHo and my Time Warner DVR just stopped recording GLEE half way through last week's episode! Good thing I watched it online! Phewwwwffff.

In brighter news, I'm happy to report that it is possible to put light-up wheels on your wheelchair! Yes, Artie's wheelchair is totally pimped in this episode, equipped with wheels serving as the disabled equivalent to LA Gear light-up sneakers (damn I used to rock those hard back in the day). In addition to being flashy, the wheels surely stimulated some toungin' between Artie and Tina (favorite line of the episode: "I want to make very clear that I still have total use of my penis"). May I take a moment to give some well-deserved applause for Long Island's own Jenna Ushkowitz! Way to work it, girl!! The NYCHSAA would be so proud!

The whole gang sported chairs of the wheeling variety in last week's episode, and to my surprise, they all were surprisingly agile with the exception of Rachel (totally awk in the last number). More importantly, the gang held a bakesale. Most importantly, Puck leveraged the cupcakes as snacks for the mary-jane munchies. I mean, let's face it... there's nothing better than a cupcake when you're Mary Magdelened.

Also, I can't say that I wasn't peeing my boyshorts in excitement knowing that "Defying Gravity" and "Proud Mary" were the selected songs of the evening. I also can't say that I didn't spend Saturday night having a Glee karaoke fest in my living room (Who's the coolest blogger on the block? This guy!). I also can't say that I'm still slightly jealous whenever Cory Monteith has a romantic scene with anyone who isn't me, ya know, after we made bedroom eyes with each other at a Rolling Stone event. Yeah... that happened.

There's not much topping that. Until tonight! TGIW!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Mr. Crankypants Gets a Leatha Blaza


Last week on So You Think You Can Dance, Nigel made Wednesday the new Friday by pairing his casual leather blazer with a side of bitchy. Some may think that it was the unbreathable material that got him all hot and bothered, but I assure you, friends, we're dealing with a case of monthly manstruation.

manstruation: n. the state of being generally pissy and vaginal. Only applicable to males.

Bob is manstruating. He just told me to f*ck off after I merely asked him to wipe large chunks of pop tart off of his expense report. (Thanks UD)

Every so often we see the diva flare up in Nigel. However, now with Mia no longer on the show, there's no other manstual cycle to balance out his. Eek. Well, I'm no doctor, but I'm thinking Nigel needs to be put on the pill STAT to regulate these bitch fits. Right now I'm sure Nathan is slipping some seasonique into his scotch until Paula Abdul finally shows up with something stronger.
Yes, Nathan took the brunt of Nigel's verbal lashing. But the primary accusation was that Nathan was attractive and that all the ladies love him? Hm. Now this is a case of manstruation if I ever heard one. Bitchy bloated and jealous. I think Nigel's ready for his vagina.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Orangeya Glad I Didn't Say Spray Tan


From an aesthetic standpoint, there are very few things more offensive than a bad fake tan (like roadkill art, for example... Yes it exists). However, our token ballroom-guy on this season of SYTYCD, Ryan "the married guy on the DL" Di Lello, puts the offense in offensive when it comes to his unsightly glow. I write to you all now not just as a begrudged writer or amateur television critic, but as a concerned citizen of humanity. To be frank, that tan is not only unattractive, but it is dangerous. Here are some reasons why:

1. Impending blindness: Sure growing up doctors have always told us to not sit so close to the TV, and did we listen? Maybe. But now we are living in a world where men and women on television and the real world alike use their bodies as weapons, allowing their overly florescent skin to strike war against the eyes of onlookers. People, our fragile purveyors of sight lack the capabilities to stand up against such unnatural brightness. *Side note: If you don't look directly at the skin, you should remain unharmed.

2. Fatal Misstep: With a tan as distracting as Ryan's, it's a miracle that we have not seen more foot stomping or lift dropping in his and Ellenore's performances. Think about it--the eyes are instantaneously drawn to the cheddar-colored chest, not a spot point. Let's just hope the choreographers don't throw in shenae turns in upcoming numbers.

3. Threat of adultery: Let's not forget that the captain of cheese himself has a wifey who's on the show as well; a wife, who I may add, is limitlessly hotter than him. Seeing as she's probably never seen her husband's face because the glow is so blinding, it isn't unreasonable to think that she would jump in bed with an oompa loompa or even a pumpkin and not even realize the difference.

Aside from the tan being dangerous, it also creates an completely unjust environment. The tan was so blinding last night, that the judges actually commended Ryan for his life-sucking attempt at hip hop. Poor Ellenore; she was so much better than he was and took all the criticism. On that note, the judges need to stop trying to level the playing field. Give acclaim where it is due and not where it isn't (And yes, that means no applause for the tan).

One, Two, Three...


I was never very good at sharing. As a child, my mother would always make me share my barbies with my sister and as a result I would chase her around our room with scissors, threatening her life. In high school, I wouldn't so much as share my lunch with friends even though I was on the cheerleader diet of caffeine and spirit fingers. Yes, it's safe to say that I never jumped on board with the whole "what's mine is yours" virtuous crap. So you can imagine what my reaction would be if I were ever asked to share my man with another ho in the act of love: STEP OFF BITCH.

Last night on GG, Olivia was none so selfish. After initiating a steamy make out sesh between Dan, Vanessa, and herself, the trio hopped in the sack and got right to the business of sharing. Bert and Ernie would be so proud.

My question is, however, how exactly are the politics of the threesome worked out? I couldn't imagine that this is all played by ear or the mess that would ensue would be as monumental as the aftermath of the Yankees ticker tape parade. Who decides who goes where? Who goes first? Do you take turns? Or is it like an assembly line? Seeing as we weren't able to actually watch the threesome in its entirety last night (thanks a lot, network television), I'm forced to use my imagination to decide what really happened during the trihump.

My first instinct is that Olivia took the whip and made some demands. After all, this human anatomy study group was entirely her idea. Plus, let's not forget that she's the actress here and is completely at ease with putting on a show for a third party. If this be the case, I offer nothing but applause. Thank you, Gossip Girl, for allowing Lizzie Maguire to be a sexual predator and reminding us all what the show is all about. Readers may know that I had serious doubts about Hillary Duff joining the cast, but I am rendered speechless and satisfied.

On the other hand, of COURSE Dan Humphry would be the lucky man to get down and dirty with two beautiful women at once. Now there's a surefire way to give the least desirable cast member another reason to be smug and arrogant. Why not Chuck, I ask!? Why not Nate?! Hell I'll take Rufus over Dan. Maybe next week Dan will break up Bradgelina and run off with Angie and the kids. Let's get real... with the way things have been working out for the book-nerd from Brooklyn, anything is possible.

Oh right... I almost forgot about the third leg of the tripod; but if my assumptions are correct, I would imagine that Olivia and Dan did too. The scene I picture is quite clear: Vanessa trying to get into a two-person twister game a little too late. Hand here, leg there. Someone's GOT to be left out and... well... based on the facts, our poor little Vanessa undoubtedly pulled the short straw. It doesn't help that her hair was looking particularly rats-nesty last night--the happy couple probably didn't want to get too close for fear of lice. But don't fret V, now since you've further explored your sexuality think of all the creative outlets it may inspire. Goodbye documentaries, hello porn!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Stacey is the new Mia


Bold statement... I know. With the exception of the bad hair and question of sexual preference, Stacey Tookey has proven to the So You Think You Can Dance world that something good DOES come out of Canada besides hockey, maple syrup, and Niagara Falls (which, by the way you ignoramuses out there should know we share). After we pulled a Steinbrenner and stole SYTYCD Canada's best choreographer for ourselves, she has been stepping it up, proving to Mia that you don't need to be a scary-diva-bitch to create something beautiful. If you don't know who I'm talking about you should a) be ashamed b) watch the damn show and c) visit the below for a taste as to what Stacey has provided the states thus far:

Season 5: "Falling Slowly" Karla and Jonathon
Described as a "chance encounter between two strangers," this number would make even Lance Bass believe Jonathon was straight. The sexual chemistry that sizzled over the bunson burner that was Stacey's debut choreography made my panties want to "fall slowly" as well. My one problem with the performance was that I'm saddened to say I've never had a chance encounter end in moonlight dancing at pumptown. Oh well... here's hoping.

Season 5: "All I Want" Kayla and Brandon
Oh the classic tale of sexy blonde mistress meets shirtless married man with a body chiseled by angels. Shame on you, those who judge; this number put adultery at the top of everyone's bucket list. Seeing as Brandon holds Kayla up above his head for... eh... 98% of the dance, it's obvious here who likes it on top. And yes, Stacey, we love your style.

Season 6: "2 Steps Away" Katryn and Legacy
Last week, this little ditty blew everyone away. Danced by that girl that cries and that guy with a head made out of steel, this number symbolized being held back by fear. Though, yes, a little reminiscent of Mia's addiction number from season 5, but it made us squeal in awe nonetheless. Hell, I wish my fear followed me around in the form of a dreamy BBoy--especially one that can transcend all limitations of the human body. Yum, Legacy.... and "congratulations to the pair of you."

Who's Your Daddy?


Hmm... I don't know if you are aware, but my New York Yankees are once again World Series Champions!!!!! Not only does this victory bring the much deserved title back to the Bronx where it belongs, but it also marks the return of my human existence. For an entire week now I've woke up hung-over. I've missed Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy; HIMYM and Modern Family. I've had limited conversation with my Philthy-loving boyfriend. I've sacrificed my body to beer, wings, and the skipping of the gym. Was it worth it? Hell yeahhh to ya moms, we came to drop bombs!

The boys really brought it together this series: Matsueeeeeeet with his game winning performance last night, Brett Gardner and his unbelievable catch, CC, Tex, Pettitte, and Captain Jeter, the heart of the city. And despite what cranky Philly managers are saying, it didn't just come down to "timely hitting." It came down to heart. The pinstripe wonders christened a new stadium... a new era... in a new New York with a championship title that puts the empire in Empire State. Yeah, I said it. This IS the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Tomorrow, as the team makes their way from Battery Park up the Canyon of Heroes to Chambers Street, New Yorkers of all ages will be able to look at anyone on the street and know that person is feeling the same thing they are: pride. Moreover, millions of dollars will be generated for small business. First step game 6... next step out of this recession.

Let's hear it for New York---NEW YORK!