Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One, Two, Three...


I was never very good at sharing. As a child, my mother would always make me share my barbies with my sister and as a result I would chase her around our room with scissors, threatening her life. In high school, I wouldn't so much as share my lunch with friends even though I was on the cheerleader diet of caffeine and spirit fingers. Yes, it's safe to say that I never jumped on board with the whole "what's mine is yours" virtuous crap. So you can imagine what my reaction would be if I were ever asked to share my man with another ho in the act of love: STEP OFF BITCH.

Last night on GG, Olivia was none so selfish. After initiating a steamy make out sesh between Dan, Vanessa, and herself, the trio hopped in the sack and got right to the business of sharing. Bert and Ernie would be so proud.

My question is, however, how exactly are the politics of the threesome worked out? I couldn't imagine that this is all played by ear or the mess that would ensue would be as monumental as the aftermath of the Yankees ticker tape parade. Who decides who goes where? Who goes first? Do you take turns? Or is it like an assembly line? Seeing as we weren't able to actually watch the threesome in its entirety last night (thanks a lot, network television), I'm forced to use my imagination to decide what really happened during the trihump.

My first instinct is that Olivia took the whip and made some demands. After all, this human anatomy study group was entirely her idea. Plus, let's not forget that she's the actress here and is completely at ease with putting on a show for a third party. If this be the case, I offer nothing but applause. Thank you, Gossip Girl, for allowing Lizzie Maguire to be a sexual predator and reminding us all what the show is all about. Readers may know that I had serious doubts about Hillary Duff joining the cast, but I am rendered speechless and satisfied.

On the other hand, of COURSE Dan Humphry would be the lucky man to get down and dirty with two beautiful women at once. Now there's a surefire way to give the least desirable cast member another reason to be smug and arrogant. Why not Chuck, I ask!? Why not Nate?! Hell I'll take Rufus over Dan. Maybe next week Dan will break up Bradgelina and run off with Angie and the kids. Let's get real... with the way things have been working out for the book-nerd from Brooklyn, anything is possible.

Oh right... I almost forgot about the third leg of the tripod; but if my assumptions are correct, I would imagine that Olivia and Dan did too. The scene I picture is quite clear: Vanessa trying to get into a two-person twister game a little too late. Hand here, leg there. Someone's GOT to be left out and... well... based on the facts, our poor little Vanessa undoubtedly pulled the short straw. It doesn't help that her hair was looking particularly rats-nesty last night--the happy couple probably didn't want to get too close for fear of lice. But don't fret V, now since you've further explored your sexuality think of all the creative outlets it may inspire. Goodbye documentaries, hello porn!

No comments:

Post a Comment