Thursday, September 29, 2011

Zooey Deschanel, Queen Awkwardian

If you have ever walked into your boss’s office with your thong static-clinged to your dress…

If you have ever congratulated a barren, overweight woman on her pregnancy…

If you have ever hugged Jessica Simpson when she didn’t want you to…

If you have ever cracked a joke to your company’s CEO which prompted him to walk away unamused…

(…no, none of this has happened to me… mehhr…)

…then I say to you: CELEBRATE! The age of the “awkward chic” has arisen with the glorious dawn of New Girl. All hail Zooey Deschanel, Queen Awkwardian, Protector of the realm of geeking encounters. We praise your granny panties and love of Curly Sue (plus your roommates are total babes).

A few posts down, you will read that my rose-colored outlook on “happy tv” (would include shows such as “Glee” and 90% of the programming on “Disney Channel”) was momentarily tainted with the nausea-inducing season 3 premiere of Glee. Well, let’s just say that New Girl served as my entertainment pepto bismol. Ah yes, happy TV is here to stay.

More importantly, what we’re embarking on with the launch of this show is a complete redefining of the social spectrum. Where the clumsy, self-deprecating girls were once outcasted, they are now at the pinnacle of the female food chain. Cheerleaders and skeletors be damned… this is a new era. Beware of toilet-paper-shoe mania and the booming sound of a united "womp womp" front. Be free in your tongue-tiedness! Rejoice in knowledge that bitchy is no longer best!

We can't just thank New Girl for this magnificent transition, however. There have been plenty of awkward-chic pioneers that have blazed the trail for gauche ladies everywhere. Here's to you, Emma Stone, Tina Fey, Amelia Bedelia. I toast you with a glass of pink wine (it makes me slutty, too).

My Name is Sofalista. My Country is America.

Many of you may not know this about me, but I really, really love America. My favorite day is the 4th of July and my favorite foods are of the saturated fats persuasion. I like to consider myself a patriot of the art of loving America, standing on the platform of supporting the American TV shows that make this country truly amazing (Donations for my 2016 Presidential campaign can be made at

Recently, that list of truly amazing TV was appended. Whilst farting around Verizon’s oh-so robust On Demand offerings, I came across a most exciting gem: an early release of the pilot episode of Homeland for poor people without Showtime (like ME! Wahoo!). Of course I watched instantly, wrapped in my American flag blanket with a Bud Light in hand. What did I think? Patriots rejoice.

The show is a “24” for those who are still mourning the loss of My So Called Life. Ok, not really, but it does star a strangely un-aged Claire Danes (like, what is she? Benjamin Button) but in a much less “dejected teen annoying” and much more “obsessive compulsive annoying” type of way.

The story focuses on a recovered Marine who had been MIA in the Middle East for over 8 years and the uber-intense CIA agent convinced that he’s been turned. From what I can gather thus far, Homeland is a genius attempt at catering to two separate but often overlapping audiences: true Americans and crazy bitches. This CIA chick had Agent Brody’s house bugged within 5 minutes of him landing on US soil (and in the bedroom to boot! Needless to say there was a lot of very uncomfortable sexytime in there that Angela Chase was privy to). You tell me if that doesn’t sound like a jaded ex-girlfriend you or a friend might have had (Hi, Joyce! Lylas!).

In true 24 fashion, the last 2 minutes of this show had me in prime #owling position (for those of you are social media inept and unaware of the new-albeit-not-improved “planking” please see below) at the edge of my seat. t's true... any ad campaign that prompts me to "watch" will be given my full attention. I won’t give away the ending… I’ll just ask that you watch this Sunday at 10/9c.

From Gleek to "Eeek"

It’s no secret that McKinley high is in serious need of a renovation. BLECHK… excuse me while I hack the asbestos out of my lungs for lingering around the halls of this show for far too long.

Yes, it’s a sad realization when you find yourself watching your ex-favorite show like you once watched the 1960 version of The Tempest the night before your Shakespeare exam; fast forwarding through any dialogue to get to general understanding of the nonsense storyline. From what I can gather from the season 3 premiere, it went a little like this:

· Blah blah blah… Quinn has fake hair and can’t “pretend” smoke a cigarette to save her life

· Blah blah blah… Food fight


· Blah blah blah… Rachel is annoying

· Blah blah blah… Kurt is annoying

· Blah blah blah… Mr. Shu is annoying

· Blah blah blah… Mr. Shu is annoying and also has a serious case of blue balls


· Blah blah blah… Santana rules

· …and of course finale cheeseball performance showcasing how resilient the New Directions group is. Shocker.

Womp. Womp. Womp.

Who knows—maybe the fact that my new roommate is allergic to Glee has made me a bit more sensitive to the mind-numbing nonsense that this show has become. Finn no longer gives me lady tickles; in fact, the mere thought of him dries my vajayjay up like a craisin. I no longer have a tolerance for Lea Michelle’s bowl-movement faces during her songs. My inner-gay-man is no longer giddy at the thought of a Barbara song. All-in-all, the show is going to have to step up its game to keep me from watching HIMYM reruns on WGN in its place.

Luckily for Gleeks everywhere, Tuesday’s 2nd episode was a bit redeeming. Nothing like throwing a Tony Award winning actress in the mix to stir up some fab musical numbers and semi-interesting storyline. Some promising moments:

· Brittany is a genius… no really…

· Puck is a doting dad wannabe that draws his baby girl pig clowns

· Quinn is blonde again (that was fast)

· Rachel is still annoying (but at least her rendition of Somewhere was actually something)

Let’s get real, I’ll never actually stop watching. I mean, what the hell would I have on my iPod if I did? But hear thee now, Ryan Murphy: Until I am satisfied with the state of this show I pledge to post a new adulterated photo of your bald head wearing a dumb hat every week. Exhibit A:

Never underestimate the powers of Microsoft PowerPoint.