The Bacheloridiot

I watched Jillian Harris’ season because she rocked.

I watched Jake Pavelka’s season to see if he shuddered with the touch of a woman.

I watched Ali Fedotowsky’s season because I was punishing myself for my failed attempts to convince ABC to choose anyone else.

I boycotted Brad Womack’s second season because if you’re going to give someone a “second chance at love,” why make it a douchemonger?

And now I watch Ashley Hebert’s season because… well… umm…

Why the frock AM I watching Ashley Hebert’s season?!

Truth of the matter is Minnie Mouse brings absolutely nothing to the table except a lousy sense of humor, the looks of a younger and less attractive Lorraine Baines McFly, and the self esteem of Carnie Wilson circa spring of ’99 (yes, I’m aware I’m not doing much to help that self esteem).

I will continue to be a loyal viewer of this train wreck, however, for one reason and one reason only: Chris Harrison. You know this guy hates his life. If he has to say “the most dramatic rose ceremony yet” one more effing time because another hormonal lunatic can’t hold it together he’s going to annihilate the cast and crew Tony Montana style. Remember the days when Chris would console the bachelors and bachelorettes after the earth-shattering breakups that shook Americans to the core? Yeah those days are effectively over. He more or less told Ashley she had the common sense of a carrot for falling for Bentley. No more roses—no more mercy. Stay tuned for the next episode where Chris pistol whips Ashley for crying over a broken nail.

Yet I must say, yesterday’s episode was a breath of fresh air without the man in the iron mask inciting terror into the hearts of America’s women. Every time that creeper popped on screen my clitoris climbed up into my esophagus like it was hiding from the Jones Beach killer. You know some bored-ass casting agent was thinking “if we start letting masked killers on the show, maybe this life-sucking program will finally close its curtain.” W.T.F. I was really expecting the FBI to jump on screen at that epic unveiling (oh and by FBI I mean Female Body Impairers and by epic I mean anticlimactic).

My goodness I just can’t wait to see who checks into the Thailand hotel next week!! Will Ashley’s stalker (ha) finally rear his ugly head (or unmasked face)?! Ah yes, this show never fails to unimpress me… Every. Single. Time.

Until then, I'll leave you with a message that will hopefully benefit our sad little mouse, Ashley. Hey Ash, keep Jessica's self affirmation and someday you'll stop falling for guys that hate you.