Tuesday, January 3, 2012

For Auld Lang Syne

Greetings and Happy New Year to the five people that read this blog!

My, my, was 2011 a roller coaster! I got a new job, shacked up with man-friend, and was finally able to say the words “I’m my favorite number old” (that’s 25 for those of you who assumed I was much older based on my superfluous maturity). Despite the highs of 2011, it’s with particular fondness that I look to the year ahead. With so much lady-tickle-generating events to come (weddings… engagements… an election that will hopefully not make me want to gauge my eyes out), I can boldly say that, world-end-or-not, 2012 is going to be to human history what the dawn of American Idol was to television. Alright fine… maybe that was too bold…

While I selfishly hope your holiday hangovers left you as bloated and fatigued as I am, I’d like to support your unspoken resolutions with some new year affirmations from our favorite friends of the silver screen… you know… for auld lang syne. As I’m sure you’re aware, the new year brought a new episode of How I Met Your Mother. Although the half hour was unnecessary at best, it did subtly provide a Chinese menu of resolutions and mantras through the meaningless and recycled song-and-dance of seasons of auld. Take your pick below and grab a soda (or a gogi berry green tea… blehk you, new year’s diets):

#1: When life gives you lemons, hope someone else gets rotten lemons:

2011 was a rough year for our friend, Robyn. She reluctantly left her seat on camera, was forced into anger management (in all fairness, though, that didn’t turn out to be so bad), and was hit with the news that she’d never have kids. Talk about lemons, huh? Well if last night taught us anything, it’s that lemons can come in all shape and sizes. For Sandy Rivers, those lemons came in the form of lemon drop shots, lemon-tinis, lemoncello, and any other lemon-related alcohol reference I can make. It was his booze-based demise that allowed for Robyn to grab back hold of the microphone and show New York what they’d been missing. Moral of the story: if your life sucks, and someone else’s life sucks more, your life may not suck so bad anymore.

#2: It’s never too late to give up on your drunken dreams:

Some of you may remember Ted and Barney’s master plan of opening a bar called Puzzles (why puzzles? Well therein lies the puzzle. Oh, Barney). Most likely, however, you do not remember this as the episode in reference was more than a season ago and it was stupid. After McClarens proved to be a NYE rip-off, the duo transformed Ted’s apartment into a very 675-esque establishment and fulfilled their drunken vision. I was so inspired that I decided to revive my drunken vision, the beer-fart 3000, a devise that will allow a person to fart unabashedly without the sound and smell of your last 15 beers. In fact, I’ve even contacted NASA about it (assuming the email inventionsguy@nasa.com it a real address). If anything, pursue your drunken dreams in hopes that it will result in a real (fake) website: http://www.puzzlesthebar.com/

#3: Throw a tailgate in a cemetery:

I actually don’t know if this one is legal or not… use discretion

#4: Lie to your kids… In a good way:

This would probably only apply to the 3 people I know who have young children or are having babies this year (however, if you’re any other of my friends and fancy yourself a bit of a hoe, continue reading… it may be beneficial after all). While unpacking baby Erikson’s room, our favorite parents-to-be happened upon an old book of Marshall’s, Enigmas of the Mystical. Why should children be deprived in the belief that Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or Big Foot actually may exist? Speaking from someone who found out the truth about Santa at age 5 and proceeded to ruin it for the rest of Mrs. DeMartino’s kindergarten class, this is something you want your kids to believe in for as long as they can. Especially Big Foot… imagine how many family camping trips could turn into beachfront getaways if your brood is scared of a wilderness monster!

#4: Oh yeah… stop being fat

Reason I bring this up is twofold: One… I personally look like I ate my weight in wine and meatballs this holiday season. Two… it’s quite evident that this needs to be Lily’s resolution as well. DAYUMM that belly grew overnight. Yeah I get it… there’s a kid in there… blah blah blah; but sister just went from first trimester to third in a nano-second. Is it possible she’s growing a vampire baby ala Bella Swan? You know she’s having Marshall feed her chocolate and lard covered pickles by the dozens.

Good luck to you as you ultimately fail on your quest to look like Cobie Smulders, be as rich and successful as Neil Patrick Harris, and procreate like real life Lily, Alyson Hannigan. But in the meantime, enjoy the Puzzles theme song:

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