Ahh... it's that time yet again. The time of year some may argue is better than Christmas. The bi-annual sensation that couples love with alcohol and a problematic addiction to television. Yes, it is the magical season where ABC whores out the crazies who come from near and far with one mission: to make complete asses out of themselves.
Well... that is unless you're Channy Choch (no, not a joke), this season's token ho/minority. 29-year-old Choch's mission: to catch the bach in her well groomed snatch. Her Cambodian one-liner to the virgin pilot, ("you can land your plane on my landing strip any time") left nothing to the imagination. Yeah, Channy... we know you wanna get it on, but that's not what Jakey Vaginaphobia wants to hear. Sadly Ms. Choch did not receive a rose; No, Jake saved those for all the intelligencia with lines such as "You have something on your tie... SIKE" and "Hi! I'm Tenley... like... the number ten."
Not only are the of ladies this season particularly stupid, but they are also particularly crazy. Michelle? That bitch is about to blow the joint up. Someone get an interventionist to the mansion STAT. If anyone has a right to go schizo in front of the cameras, it's poor Chris Harrison. Sure he has to pretend to be concerned with the love life of a man doomed for relationship failure (quote: "I have a lot of first dates, but no seconds"), but now he has to play pin the scarlet letter on the house whore? Somebody get this man a raise!
Ultimately, the skanks and the dummies and psychos had me thinking: someone needs to reach out to the single ladies of America who are deciding to go on the show, and prevent them from making a mockery out of true reality show love. (Haha. What? I can laugh at my own jokes). In response to my own musings, I've put together a what to do/what not to do list for all future contestants:
1. Practice walking in your heels. Whoever said tripping was charming must have been a drunk.
2. If you're going to come bearing gifts like one of the three freaking wise men, at least make it cool. Peacock feather? Cool. A basket of parting gift treats for your future roommates? Not cool. Pilot wings for a pilot? Cool. Gonorrhea? Eek. Not cool.
3. Never pour out your deep dark secrets on the first night. No one is going to care.
4. If your ugly, be witty. If your pretty, shut up and make bedroom eyes.
5. In choosing your dress, never underestimate the phrase "tastefully slutty."
6. Save the sexual innuendos for the overnight date.
7. Limit yourself to 2 glasses of wine--something to take the edge off but not your panties (remember her?)
8. You probably shouldn't sleep with a "staffer"... just sayin'
9. If you're going to "steal him away for some one-on-one time," have an excuse. Don't just be that girl.
10. Again... you probably shouldn't sleep with a "staffer"... just sayin'
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