Well... if anyone had any doubts as to whether or not GaGa has a teeny weeny, I'm sure your questions have been answered after last night's performance. In a strategic move to prove to America that she is all lip and no tip, GaGa wore a frontal wedgie and not much more. Yet while I can verify she is no hermie, I can't verify whether or not she is human; her show-opening performance with Sir Elton John last night left me speechless (ignore obvious pun here).
Sigh--my love for the Lady is limitless and it was definitely ladies night last night. I say that because ladies night for me also involves taking off my pants. It's true... at no pants o'clock, when the crescent moon tangos with a rising sun after a night of raucous drinking, I demand the pants off and cream cheese out. Based on last night's red carpet, I'm more than positive that I could recruit some more ladies to my pantless wolf pack. Britney, Ciara, and of course, GaGa... all women who started getting dressed and half way through said "eh." Well done you. The Grammy gods also used their powers to raise all the hemlines this year--i.e. Heidi, Fergie and Lea Michele's sexy little numbers. I would shave off my eyebrows to own any of those dresses.
Speaking of the ladies, I was especially proud to have a vajayjay last night. The bitches tore up some serious Grammy stage, putting the boys to shame. We all know how I feel about the GaGs, but the B? Holy Sasha Fierce. There was a moment in her performance where I actually questioned my sexuality. And Pink? Wet... naked... swinging... more of that please. You know Pink has made her way in the world when my Dad says "I hope she sings Funhouse."
If I had anything negative to say about last night's show, it would have nothing to do with the performances, or the gowns, or the public display of inebriation--no... my problem is directed towards the lazy marketing staff who let maybe 6 people know that you would need 3D glasses for Michael Jackson's tribute. Here you go MJ... a beautiful rendition of your song with lots of green and red squigglies. I actually learned about the 3D performance after an intense google search of Grammy performers. My Dad and I then ventured on a wild goose chase to two different Target stores with no avail. We then decided to storm the movie theater and steal our glasses from those who go see Avatar instead of watching the Grammys... come'on they deserve it... sorry James Cameron. To my dismay, the stupid Avatar glasses didn't even work! Stupid Pandora. Stupider Grammy people.
And because I refuse to leave this post on a sour note like Taylor Swift's pitchy performance with Stevie Nicks, enjoy some of last night's truly spectacular spectacles:
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