Monday was a sad day.
Not only did someone at the office steal my turkey breast and havarti sandwich (who does that?!), but it was the day that I realized I had wasted precious hours of my life. 18 to be exact. After Monday's night finale of the Bachelor, I can say with utmost certainty that it was the most torturous season of the show to date. So torturous in fact that I wrote the following note to ABC (please excuse my gross grammatical errors--I was only limited to 500 characters):
Ive been a fan of the show since S1. What Ive like most about it in its recent seasons is that its given the contestants in which the audience became emotionally invested w/ another chance at love. Trista, Meredith, Jen, DeAnna, Jason (eh), Jillian = great, grand, wonderful. But then you give us Jake!? Ive never been so embarrassed to say I watch the show. Seriously, try and find a bigger loser. I dare you. Oh wait, you already did... Ali. Way to go, ABC, I hope cablevision drops your sorry ass.
Ok, probably not one of my finer moments, but hey! I am a woman scorned! And let's be clear, it's not because I'm pissed that Jake picked Vienna like all the other crying vaginas in America. I mean, sure, he and Tenley the Disney princess would have been a match made in heaven... scratch that... middle America circa 1950; but do you really expect a guy with a working peen (though that's up for debate) to chose a pill popper who "danced" for him on national TV? Yeah, no thanks. He's going to pick the girl that gives him the pee-pee sensation, whether she be tranny-looking or not. Odds are that Jake hasn't ever had his no-no's played with. My guess is that he picked the girl most likely to that very thing.
And you know what? I actually liked Vienna. Ok, I said it. All the poor girl did was talk about Jake. Sure she was annoying and hard to look at, but if I was stuck in a house with Ali the 16-year-old mean girl, Tenley McAntidepressents, and Rozlyn the super-whore, I probably wouldn't be friends with anyone either.
But back to my point, I'm not pissed because Jake picked Vienna--I'm pissed because every word that came out of his mouth this season made me die a little inside. And then... on top of it all... I have to listen to "On the Wings Of Love?" You've got to be kidding me. Poor Chris Harrison nearly pooped his pants with laughter when Jeffrey Osborne showed up during the after the final rose special.
So to sum up, I'd really like those 18 hours back. I'd love to say that it's over and that my hours are secured in an armored safe box, but it appears that ABC is like one great life-stealing bandit. Now they've added Jakey to the DWTS cast and Ali as the next bachelorette. F.M.L. Oh well, at least Jimmy Kimmel feels the same way I do:
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