Ricky Ricardo

Every Wednesday it's the same routine: Go to work. Talk about LOST. Try to do work but can't because you're thinking about LOST. Talk about LOST some more. Go to happy hour. Stumble home. Try to re-watch LOST drunk...

Last Wednesday my co-workers and I started talking about what our parallel LOST worlds would be like. You know... if that pivotal life-changing moment never happened (i.e. "your island") and you continued to live your life as you would have. One of my friends said his "island" was coming out of the closet, so in his parallel world he would still be living in Virginia Beach, pretending to like girls but really dreaming of Chase Crawford. Another friend admitted that her "island" was moving from Texas to New York. She still says y'all and frequents Texas Independence Day concerts so her parallel world would look a lot like this one... minus the surplus of skyscrapers and metrosexuals.

Then it was my turn. An event that altered the intricate fibers of my future, eh? Was it being pantsed in the 6th grade? My freshman 20? The day I decided to top a cream cheese bagel with tomato sauce? (Don't knock it 'till you've tried it). Nope... none of the above would really have changed life as I know it. Maybe I haven't landed on my island yet. Or maybe... I'm a Richard.

Like Richard, or as we learned last week, Ricardo, my parallel life is identical to my current one. See, because Richard is about one trillion years old, his island life began decades before the days of Dharma or Oceanic flight 815. Poor little guy; living an infinite life on the worlds creepiest island without his wifey or any known nookie for that matter. There's a new special place in my heart for Ricardo. His sad little puppy dog story and Spanish accent is really boosting up his sex appeal.

Which brings me to my next point: When is Ricardo gonna get any? I mean, the poor bastard has lived far too long in his physical prime to be deprived of any hot island action. What's not to love? His mysteriousness? His fluent Spanish? His eyelashes that would bring Madonna to tears? Yep... he's the whole package. But who on the island has the sexual prowess to satiate the needs of man who's had blue balls for nearly two centuries? Well, there's only one real answer here: Ilana. Girlfriend sure knows her way around a gun and could probably benefit from getting laid. I say it's a win win for both parties! Someone alert J.J. Abrams...