Post-adolescents rejoice! Finally, the quest in reclaiming our dignity over our younger counterparts has left us victorious! Take that, Demi Lovato.
Alright, let me start from the beginning...
In my more recent years, the ill-will I've harbored towards those of the pre-teen variety has snowballed to a mass of epic proportions. Some might say that this increase in resentment is directly reflective to the increase in cellulite appearing in my more-than-ever dumpy ass. Whatever the case may be, I've made it my personal vendetta to strike war against the recently pubescent, those smug little twits with their super-sonic metabolisms, new perky boobs, and parent's money.
Think that's harsh? I sure don't. Because of them, I've been forced to listen to Tim "Teflon" Urban on American Idol WEEKS past his welcome. Well America, I'm happy to report that last week was the last. That's right; prince puberty has left the building--Victory is ours at last!
Alright, let me start from the beginning...
In my more recent years, the ill-will I've harbored towards those of the pre-teen variety has snowballed to a mass of epic proportions. Some might say that this increase in resentment is directly reflective to the increase in cellulite appearing in my more-than-ever dumpy ass. Whatever the case may be, I've made it my personal vendetta to strike war against the recently pubescent, those smug little twits with their super-sonic metabolisms, new perky boobs, and parent's money.
Think that's harsh? I sure don't. Because of them, I've been forced to listen to Tim "Teflon" Urban on American Idol WEEKS past his welcome. Well America, I'm happy to report that last week was the last. That's right; prince puberty has left the building--Victory is ours at last!
Now, in their defense, tweens don't always have it wrong. Take the Twilight saga for example; That Taylor Lautner gives me more lady tickles than any legal-aged man candy. And High School Musical? Hell, it's Glee on the big screen--what's not to love? But use your youthful sexual charges to keep Tim Herb-an in the running over talent like Didi and Katie? Tisk, tisk little ones... Tisk tisk. And while we're on the subject, enough with this Beiber fever nonsense. Mushroom cuts were so 1996.
Well, it was truly a great group effort, banding together as one saggy unit to give justice and votes to the deserving 20-somethings. So give yourselves a pat on the back and wear your thigh dimples as a symbol of triumph. Sure they may have their whole lives before them, the world at their fingertips, and the ability to eat a big mac without growing another chin, but YOU, dear friends, have your pick of remaining idol contenders. And well... that's really all that matters after all.
Well, it was truly a great group effort, banding together as one saggy unit to give justice and votes to the deserving 20-somethings. So give yourselves a pat on the back and wear your thigh dimples as a symbol of triumph. Sure they may have their whole lives before them, the world at their fingertips, and the ability to eat a big mac without growing another chin, but YOU, dear friends, have your pick of remaining idol contenders. And well... that's really all that matters after all.
*Editors Note: It's come to my attention that my arch nemesis website, votefortheworst.com, a site that tries to get people to vote for the worst idol contestant every week, has selected a new target. Now that Tim Urban has finally been booted, Sioban Magnus has been selected as the new "worst."
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