Don't be a Fool... Wrap your Tool

Let's say you're a dude. Now let's say you're a dude, who's kind of a loser, who's dating a movie star that wants to get it on...with you. You're kind of on top of the world, are you not? Yes, that's what sanity would lead you to believe. This is not the case, however, with Dan Humphry, an apparent self-righteous prude currently hiding out in Brooklyn. When GG snapped a pic of his starlet grabbing some goodies for a possible late night trip to pump town, Dan's initial reaction wasn't making a mix tape, or setting mood lighting, or even unloading the gun; no, it was to play sick.

Now, in his defense, he and Olivia did bump no-nos by the end of the episode, but granted it was in a college dorm. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with dorm room sex--I just can't help but to recall the niceties involved when Serena took his V-Card. You all remember what I'm talking about... the fake snow, the projected lighting, the white pillows. For all we know, Olivia probably doesn't mind at all. If she's looking to be a "real girl" there's nothing more real than gettin down in an uncomforable twin-xl dorm bed with a sock on the door. Welcome to college, Olivia... we're happy to see that you like it on top.

In other news, Serena may also find herself in a movie star's sheets in the next coming episodes, and let me be the first to say, vom. It's not a mystery why Olivia's ex-boyfriend from all of those "vampire" movies is named Patrick Robinson. Hell to the no, GG, if you think "Simon Miller" can step any where near Robert Pattinson's shoes. I wish I had fangs... I'd bite you for even thinking such hypocrisy!

Part 2 Season 6 Premiere... Of that Show that Needs No Introduction

This season in SYTYCD, we have been graced with a married couple with one on the DL, a tap dancing muppet who does poetry, a serial crier, and a coked out cheerleader. This may be a bold statement, but I'm going to have trouble forming an emotion connection with the top 20 this season. So far, nobody has been able to do it for me since Season 4. I miss Twitch, and Joshua, and Chelsea, and Kerrington; hell I'll even branch out and throw love for Janine Mason. Season 6 better shed the acts and get real.

I won't harp on the bad, however. There was a lot of good tonight (cough cough wink wink Travis Wall). One of the best routines I've ever seen on the show was the contemporary number lil Trav put together. Props to Bianca---if she shuts up long enough to actually dance she can do a pretty stellar job. And mah gurl, Sonia; again, she kills it with the choreography. My heart goes out to Eleanor, though; being paired with the captain of cheese can't be the easiest task to take on. It could be worse, however--you could be stuck with Phillip. Ugh the thought itself makes me cringe.

If you didn't watch tonight's performance... stop reading. They threw us for a curve when the judges decided on who to boot of first this season. Again, Nigel must be sucking at the brandy teet because kicking off Ariana? Not cool for me. I would have much rather seen Pauline or Channing get the axe. Oh well, maybe gimpy won't make it back next week and Ariana can return to the show and bitch slap Mary. I always wanted to see someone do that.

Enough for now. Goodnight kids. I leave you with this: "Congratulations to the pair of you"

Part 1 Season 6 Premiere...Of that show that needs no Introduction

Holy Wade Robson it's back again. After about three and a half months of audition rounds (yes... that was an exaggeration--but not a big one), SYTYCD is yet again back in our lives. This season they switched it up in more ways than one. Most obviously, the opening creds no longer feature the signature head dive which we all knew and loved. Most dissapointingly, they're sticking with the stage from Season 5's finale. Woof.

In addition to new cosmetic alterations, we have some so-serious changes happening on the judging panel. First and foremost... lucky us get to cry EVERY week now that Adam Shankman has become a permanent figurehead behind the almighty table. The angel of words himself will dazzle you with his loquatious outpourings of love while the angel of vodka will sumble to do the same. That's right, it's also been announced that Paula Abdul will be a recurring guest judge on the show this season. Something tells me that Nigel had a few too many snifters of brandy before making that decision.

I've always been a firm believer that the more you drink, the better dancer you are. That's why I don't really have a problem with this whole "Paula Abdul guest judge" nonsense; maybe her breath will intoxicate the dancers and it'll be like my Saturday night all over again. Think about it... how hot would it be if all the couples lost their inhibitions and started full out grinding out on the D-floor? I have no doubts this is the reason why Mia decided to peace the show. Well, in all honesty, judging from her recent haircut it's quite possible that the show quit her. Everyone knows that there's no ugly people allowed on SYTYCD! If you don't know what I'm talking about... please click here.

Now let's discuss who we love and hate:

Love:

-Arianna, Ellenore, Karen, and Noelle: They pretty much dominated all the girls last night and didn't get as much credit as deserved.

-Jacob, Nathan, Russel, and Peter: The first three because they're amazing--the last because I think he's kind of dreamy

Hate:

-Mollee: If this girl wasn't 18 I would stamp a scarlet C on her chest. This cracked out Lizzy Maguire is way too laced bubble-gum for my liking. The fact that she dances like a four-year-old doesn't help either.

-Phillip: I spent all last night trying to figure out which muppet Phillip's stupid tap dancing face reminds me of. I came to the conclusion that it was a cross between Burt and a character from Avenue Q. Hate the attitude, hate the face, and hate hate HATE the slam poetry.

-Ashleigh: Yeah she's hot... but lord knows she's a wench behind the curtain. I would too if I married a gay--it's quite clear that her sexual frustration is making her a bitch.

And there you have it folks... Dance it out.

Like... What?

Chuck is Bi?! Vanessa is black?! Hold the phone... what in the name of Constance is happening in Gossip Girland?! I feel like I know nothing anymore; last night's episode has got me doubting my own name. Like this morning, I walked into work, was greeted by my boss, and checked all the wires on my desk to make sure I wasn't being tapped. If you can't trust Gossip Girl who can you trust? The answer? No one.

"You don't think I ever kissed a guy before?" Oh Chuck Bass, you smoldering sexpot, you. Way to throw a platinum-plated curveball into this storyline. Who would have thought that the ultimate ladies man himself would take a liking to the peen. I mean, he does dress entirely too well to be completely straight... I guess this was always coming. Straight guys are never that smooth.

And yes, Vanessa is a beautifully exotic young woman. But just because she has the inate ability to wear dreads, were we to assume that she was black? That was a fun and unexpected twist for a character that needs some serious action this season. And may I be the first to say that she is finally becoming interesting to me. I mean, NO ONE likes a voice of reason or morale. Hell yes, Vanessa... throw down your homeschool values and get bitchy. When Vanessa got to scheming last night, I nearly rose to my feet in applause. To be honest, this proves my theory: put a hot girl in a dorm and you will get a bitch. It's science.

Speaking of Vanessa, it more than obvious that the stress of college is getting to her... and her face. Homegirl needs to stop partying all night and passing out with makeup on; she has a serious pre-teen t-zone situation going on. My suggestion? Korres Cinnamon and Natural Clay Deep Cleansing Mask (for oily skin with imperfections of course). I used it the other night to rectify a similar situation that, lucky for me, wasn't masked in professionally applied stage makeup. I was happy to find that the magical tube helped my skin to balance itself out and well, get a whole lot less crazy.

"I'm So Bad at Liking and Love"

"Well here we are. This is our first official dinner date. I'm really excited that you've accepted my invitation. Id like to make a toast to our new adventure. I'm just so amazed and thankful that God has seen a way for us to be together. May there be many more adventures on the road of our friendship."

Hmm... thanks Ron Burgundy? Nope, that was the loquacious toast brought to you by the renegade man himself, Mr. Lorenzo Lamas. Apparently romance is the word in the Lamas family. During the same episode, Shane found herself wooed by a tasty little dish herself. Their connection happened a little differently, however; Shane has set some pretty high standards for herself and posed a few questions for her man in waiting:

Are you from LA?

Did you go to college?

What college did you go to?

What kind of shoes are you wearing?

Wanna suck some face?

Ohhh if only all MOs were that easy. Well, while making out may be easy for Shane, some thinks ARE difficult: operating a microwave oven, "liking and love," taking out the trash, and many more. I will give her some serious props however for her dining decor and creative use of the telephone. Ohhhh this show is slowly but surely becoming a so serious fave of mine.

Holy Toasted Collagen Batman!

I have a few guilty pleasures: the occasional drunken cigarette, Jennifer Lopez movies, spoonfuls of cream cheese; but after spending a long Saturday night in, I have officially added another one to the ranks: Leave it to Lamas. No... not llamas.

Some of you may know Shane Lamas from her stint on the Bachelor, where she whined and dizzily stumbled her way into the arms of the dreamiest bachelor to date, Matt Grant. Experts have argued that underneath her over-processed blonde hair, she is in fact brainless and has the IQ of an acorn. But despite her disability, she still has a lot of heart. So much so in fact, that her personal mission is to rekindle ties between sexy brother AJ and their father, Lorenzo Lamas (best known for his Oscar-worthy performance in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus). Think she's a trip? Meet Michele...

Michele is a menopausal collagen addict who lights barbecues indoors and walks around her children's house naked. Experts say that with the amount of collagen she's injected into her lips, she could supply all the connective tissue in an average sized humpback whale. While she is suffering from empty nest syndrome and mild retardation, she still manages to be a devoting mother to Riley, a 3-year-old teacup maltese who, like mom, goes tanning and whores himself out to any bitch that will have him.

Ok that was a little harsh, but I can't help it! Whenever I see a tan that fake my mind automatically switches to ridicule. Maybe Michele can skip a few trips to Encino's Maui Tanning and pick up some Korres Watermelon Lightweight tinted moisturizer. That stuff is so natural, it may make up for all the unnaturalness of the former Mrs. Lamas' face. Ok well, probably not, but it's a start! The stuff is full of antioxidants that counteract sun damage. Hmm... I wonder how much she'll need...

Queen of the Ragdolls

Forgive me if I missed the memo, but since when is heroin-chic the new high school look of the Upper East Side? Yes, ok, Lil J is technically from Brooklyn, but her hot pink tool skirts prove that point enough. Homegirl does not need the running eye shadow and Lady GaGa Rolling Stone hair to be "cool and different." When she was working on Lily's wedding dress during Monday's episode, I nearly called a teen help line to report her drug addiction, and then Ken Paves to nick the ick on the top of her head.

I have a suggestion for Jenny: get yo-self a HairDo. Your Dad is marrying Lily Bass for Chuck's sake--there is NO excuse for bad hair... especially when you're the new queen. Ugh, Blair and her headbands must be so disappointed.

Recently I tried my luck with a HairDo (for those living under a rock, they are the clip-in hair extensions from Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson), and if it worked for me, I have no doubts they will work for Miss J. My hair-mergency happened after a night of raucous drinking, bull riding, and fireball.... yes.... fireball. I woke up at 8:45 for a 9 AM meeting--holy rats nest. Not to fear, though; with a few bobby pins, a clip of the extensions, and a much needed Gatorade, I was good to go.

So please, Jenny, pick one up for yourself. And hey, while you're at it, get one for Vanessa too. I don't know how much more bad hair I can take in a single season.

And the Ugly Crier of the Year Award Goes To...

Throughout my years of avid film and television viewership (aka sitting on my ass, watching TV), I've found that every Hollywood harlet falls into one of two categories: the ugly criers or the pretty criers. The pretty criers, the lesser obvious of the two, consist of the actresses who despite tears, never seem to smudge a single swipe of eyeliner or reveal any hint of snot. Their tears cascade gracefully, at times appearing to fall in slow motion, one single tear after the next. This category is no doubt dominated by the most beautiful crier of all time: Miss Demi Moore. Her gracefully tearful performance in Ghost is by far the prime example of how a lady should shed a tear.

Now to the dogs...

The ugly criers; the snot ridden, makeup smeared, huffing, puffing, drenched faced, tomato red criers who stand by the theory that the uglier the cry, the more theatrical the piece. You know the kind... the criers whose overindulgent sobs make you cringe. So bad, in fact, that instead of evoking any sort of sympathy, your first reaction is to turn to your friend and say "Ew. She looks like shit." You're probably asking yourself where I'm going with this. Well, after last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy, we have a new queen to take the ugly crier throne... Miss Sandra Oh... yes, Oh... as in "Oh wow that is oneeeee ugly crier."

First of all, in last night's episode Cristina Yang whipped out a wallowy weep because she's a medical attention whore (Note: a key to being a pretty crier is to actually cry over something legitimate. Strike One). The real victim here? Poor bed-ridden Meredith; the only person in the room to absorb all of the ugly cry awkwardness (Note: another key to being a pretty crier is to not sob to a bed-ridden patient in a hospital. They cry to you. Strike Two). "I miss Burke! (gurgle, huff, glob, gasp) It's been too long since I've held a heart in my hand! (Guff, yelp, blarf, spibble)." So gross. Next time, Grey's, please keep the crying to the Izzy's and Dr. Bailey's of the show. No one wants to see that.

On a Scale from One to Adultery...

...how hard is it to cheat? Apparently if you're a desperate housewife it's easier than Linday Lohan on a cocaine withdrawal. Honestly though, haven't we seen an obsene amount of inter-marital nookie throughout the show's near seven seasons? I asked myself that very same question after Sunday night's episode and decided to play a little game called "Add the Adulterers." Let's ALL play:

Well first we know that Julie's dad, Karl, got freaky behind Susan's back thus of course resulting in their divorce prior to the beginning of the show. 1. Then we have the oh-so-sexy Gabby hookin' it with John Tucker affair. 2. Which then led to Carlos' retaliation as he boned the mail order maid (not quite so sexy). 3. And we can't forget when Bree got down with ex-husband, Rex's, pharmacist... who then killed Rex... which means so far we have 4 for adultery and 1 for just plain rudeness.

Phewf... this is getting hard...

Then we have the almost-affair between Tom Scavo and his secret baby momma. We'll call that 4.2. And the countless counts of adultery committed by the late Edie Brit. We'll call that... hmm... 8. Ooo, let's not forget the "my man is in a coma but I'm gonna do a Brit anyway" affair between Susan and Ian Hainsworth. 9. Which then got turned around with the "my man's out of a coma but I'm still with the Brit" affair between Susan and Mike. 10.

Then good ole Gabby is back at it when she cheats on 2nd husband, Victor, with 1st/3rd husband, Carlos (though we do consider it a victory in the name of Karma). 11. And bringing it full circle, Karl Mayer doing the nasty with Bree, a very much married lady. 12.

And there you have it, folks. My stab at it. Being that the show is Desperate Housewives and cheating/scandal/dirty laundry is more or less its entire premise, I know I'm missing... eh... about a thousand. Feel free to comment on the transgressions I've overlooked.

Advice of the Day: Don't Work at Seattle Grace

So I've been moving all week and I'm a little behind on my television, but when I received a text from a friend last weekend saying: "have you watched Grey's? Very interesting info in first 7 minutes," I had to drop the shoes and ravage the DVR. What did I learn? That Izzy and Carev make 30k a year? Please advise?

All of these Seattle Grace questions of finance have really gotten my brain into a tizzy. I write, I plan, I shop, I eat, and I watch TV... I don't do numbers. So you can understand my frustration as I spent the entirety of the episode Googling average medical resident salaries. Yet alas, I find myself victorious... again. Do you hear that? It's the sound of someone getting fired on the research team of the Grey's writing staff.

Below is a list of the US average of residency stipends per year:

- 1st Year (Intern): 46k (The Lexi's)
- 2nd Year: 48k (The Lexi's? Isn't she an intern in her 2nd year?)
- 3rd Year: 50k (The Merediths, the Christina's, the Izzy's, the Carevs, the Georges-RIP)
- 4th Year: 52k (The Merediths et al? How long HAS it been? hmm?)
- 5th Year: 54.1k
- 6th Year: 56.5k (The Bailey's and the Callie's? Yeah... I'm just confusing myself).

So yes... nothing entirely extravegant but no measley 30k. They reserve that special number for the Assistant Media Planners/really important people of the world... ha. Alright already--enough about math! How un-sexy of me.

In other news, can we discuss the Meredith/Lexi sista sista connection? Personally, I'm lovin it. Except don't hold your breath... this won't last for long. Both girls happy with each other and happy in love with their fine-ass men? Something's about to go down real fast.

"We're like really roommates. That's like totally awesome."

The title provided here is not a joke... it is was a line... written into a script... and aired on television. The following is a list of reasons why I believe Hillary Duff will be the ultimate demise of GG:

1. The Lizzy Maguire Effect: Dress her in a fadora, throw her in NYU, bunk her up with Vanessa--no matter how you try to make Hillary Duff relevant to devout Gossip Girl afficianados, all roads lead to "Why is a twelve-year-old in college?" Homegirl's voice belongs one place and one place only: The Disney Channel. If this is part of some disasterous scheming to broaden the GG demographic to a younger audience my vote is one thousand times HELL TO THE NO. I want my steamy sexual scenes, allusions to drug use, and the right to hear "bitch." Comeon... I don't ask for a lot.

2. Let's not give Dan "I try too hard to not be cool" Humphry a bigger head. How is it that the least desirable of all the Gossip guys has hooked it with every out-of-his lead hottie they put in the cast? And now they give him a freaking movie star? Nuh uh... that does not fly.

3. Now don't get me wrong, Hillary Duff is cute; but in a world where the Leighton Meisters, Jessica Szohrs, and Blake Livelys are the girls next door, THAT'S who you get to play a movie star? Granted, it's not easy to out-glam the gossip girls-- but try a little harder... Please?

4. Olivia? You name her Olivia? It's a hard fact that is a name exclusively reserved for brunettes. I would know.

5. Lastly, I leave you with the deepest, most eloquent one-line monolgue ever to pass through my broke down TV set on Mondays at 9: "We're like really roommates. That's like totally awesome."

And to sum up, "Hillary Duff may not be the only demise of Gossip Girl but she WILL be one of many." -Teen

And there you have it. Good night.

No Pants O'Clock

Ready... Set... Take off your pants.

I was having a particularly shitty evening until I remembered my favorite part about last night's Modern Family episode: Luke hates pants. And why should he like them?! They're binding, inconvenient, and in my case at the moment, cutting into my air supply. Think about it, you have to take off your pants to do anything enjoyable, i.e. poop, have sex, take a bath. The kids got the right idea.

However, to be clear, I can't say with certainty that he actually hates pants OR if he just likes not wearing pants when he jumps on the trampoline with a box on his head. Personally, the sensation of flying through the air wearing cardboard would be enormously anti-climatic should pants be involved. That's just speculation.

So bravo, Luke... (Uhh... Are we supposed to know their last names yet?). Because of your strike de la pant, I'm officially declaring this hour "No Pants o'clock.". Come'on, Ladies! Whip off those Express Editor cut pants you've been wearing all day at the office (and probably smell faintly of today's lunch and your hoohah), and join the party!

Recession Worthy Programming

Finally... A show that speaks to the financial woes of our nation. Granted, the show I'm speaking of is one about Doctors, so take it with a grain of salt. Grey's new "merging with Mercy West" storyline has proved to be, at least for me, an inventive way of saying to America, "Yes, even we pretty people are in a recession." How refreshing. Though I'm appreciative of this realistic recognition of the life-sucking financial crisis our country is in, I still feel the need to harp on the episode's not so realistic components (as if I would do anything else).

Let's talk layoffs. Are you meaning to tell me that Izzy "I cut LVAD wires" Stevens wouldn't be first on the chopping block? Not only has she been seriously threatened with the ax in the past, but let's not forget her most memorable surgery as a first year resident... that's right... a fucking deer. What an asset. Ok ok, so she has cancer and there's probably some law against it; but if this happened in real life, everyone would suspect she was hookin' it with the chief.

And speaking of the financial situation over there at Seattle Grace, I have a question: If you are a world renowned surgeon, what the hell are you doing living a) in a trailer or b) at your girlfriend's mom's house? Grow a pair, dig deep into those pockets, and splurge on that waterfront villa that you can afford. Hell, buy three while you're at it. Same goes for you too, Izzy and Carev. Stop slummin off of everyone else's ticket and buy yourselves a place where you don't have to vacuum your own poo. That is the part of Grey's anatomy that I'll never understand.

The only doctors that got it right in my book is McSteamy. Did u see his shower last week? Probably not... you were waiting for a peen slip... don't lie.

Desperate... REALLY Desperate

Theres a fine line between good and bad; The Desperate Housewives season premiere not only crossed that line, but buldozed it into oblitieration, leaving audiences confused as to what is actually good tv and what is bad. Thats the problem with Desperate Housewives fans--they too, are desperate... Desperate to hold on to something that was soooo five seasons ago.

Apparently, whenever it finds itself in a funk, the show commits ratings suicide by introducing "new, interesting, and shady" people into the cast. Let me tell you something--if Whisteria Lane really has that quick of a real estate turn over rate, I'm pretty confident if must be seated upon a bubbling pool of toxic waste, or more likely, a pagan graveyard. This season the new neighbors are New Yorkers with a sociopath murderous son. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but there's no way in hell THAT can be justified; I mean, let's get real... New York pretty boys are far too metro to risk the chance of getting blood on their designer jeans. Now, that's just lazy research.

Despite this, I could have swallowed my pride, sat back, and enjoyed the rest of the episode until the Kathryn/Susan wedding isle showdown. Hell, if you know that some crazy bitch is going to hijack the spotlight on your wedding day you of COURSE book some sort of security detail. God help the hooker that tries to barracade the isle while I'm walking down to "Isn't She Lovely." Stilleto to the face... kabosh. *to clarify, New York guys probably not capable of murder... New York girls totally are.

Like a Welcome Mat

On the season premiere of The City, Whitney debuted her new apartment to the world. So she works part time and has a gorgeous West Village non-shack with a rooftop... Yeah, that's realistic.

Seeing as I've spent the last month of my life apartment hunting in Manhattan, I feel as though I have some authority on the matter. Where as Whitney is putting in if 15 hour weeks at the office and going home to play with a needle and thread, I put in 60 hour work weeks and can only afford a 3rd floor walk up above a Chinese restaurant (and that's if I give up food). What is more is that Whitney has so much space in her apartment that she'll even allow Betty Boop to move in it. Ugh, what are the odds.

More importantly, I love how styling jobs at Elle just "pop up" out of the blue and instead of interviewing to fill them, they offer them to unqualified waifes with a few weeks experience in PR. It shows like these that make me hate NYC... and television... And girls... And my sad little paycheck. Boo.

Thank God the Bitch is Back

Tuesday was a great day. Why, you ask? Well, it was the official day that Lauren "I have the personality of a napkin" Conrad officially became irrelevant. So help me God if I have to listen to that whiney noodle utter another complaint about how she "can't wear prints or white because it doesn't look right on camera," I will throw out every cotton dress in my closet out of protest. Yes, I will rue the day I ever bought a magazine with LC on the cover--same no-spice nonsense on every page.

You know who doesn't give a shit about whites and prints? Mah girl, Kristen Cavalari. Bitches wear black, not flowers. What she does care about is money, seeing as how she is actually interesting in front of the camera and won't piss and moan when a producer asks her to stir some drama. Hand over the check and she'll finger-snap you a half hour timebomb of drama so delicious they'll have to expand her timeslot.

Tuesday night she went so far as trying to get freaky with a sasquatch. To be fair, he's Audrina's ex which would lead me to believe he is not very smart. He also has two first names; which would lead me to believe his parents weren't very smart either. Oh well, looks like a catfight is brewing in the land of the hills (and by catfight I mean cat vs. hairball--you decide).