Of Course It's a Baldwin

Well folks, the climatic reveal of the century was unleashed last night on to the sort-of-suspecting Gossip Girl audience. That's right, we've seen the face of William van der Woodsen and, oh my stars, it's JACK DONAGHY! Shit... no... it's one of those other, less-special Baldwins.

Yes, it appears that in the role of his lifetime, Alec's biddy brother, Billy, has been casted as Serena's daddio (Flem, thanks for your lesson in thug which informed me that "baby daddy" was not the correct term to use here). While I much prefer him as the tranny-loving senator, Patrick Darling, in Dirty Sexy Money (a small violin plays whenever I think about how much I miss that show), this new role suits him well. You see, Billy has learned a lot of things from his older brother: the dramatic pause, the signature Baldwin eyebrow lift, and more importantly, how to be a mentally abusive father. Wow, I smell an Emmy nomination already.

So this is what we know: Serena gets her golden-blonde locks from her mom and her side-talking, stroke face from her dad. Way to solve that issue, casting directors. My one concern is poor Eric; I mean, what will he think when he realizes that his dad was the mailman? Because lord knows it’s sure-as-hell not Billy-boy. With a face that angelic, it’s more likely that Eric’s birth father is Carter Baizen than William van der Woodsen..

And speaking of baby daddies, Rufus (who is beginning to look more and more like man friend to me—I know, I’m one lucky sonofabitch) better step up his game. First of all, grow a set, make a fist, and give van der Woodsen a knuckle sandwich already! Geeze… it’s not like you have anything better to do. You don’t work, you no longer make music, and by the looks of Jenny, you’re not keeping your fathering skills up to par either.

Ooo, Jenny… that girl has got a one-way ticket to Chlamydia and she’s not even fastening her seat belt. Slow down, girl, before Serena sabotages your social standing to the likes of Nelly Yuki (whatever happened to her anyway?). And so help me god if Jenny starts to hook it with Chuck. He may be bad again, but bad is always good in my book.

Looks like that's all for now, Upper East Siders. In honor of this momentous occasion, let's honor Billy Baldwin by reflecting on his actual best role to date. Interestingly enough, it also stars Gossip Girl herself. What are the chances?!