Sunshine Makes Me Do Weird Things

It's a vicious cycle, that twisted mind scrabble they call "the weather." First, it sets you smack in the butthole of a snowpacolypse for the better part of the year, leading to only three things: pasty skin, boredom munching, and a plethora of extra hours devoted to prime time television. Then, as fast as it took for Ricky Martin to come out of the closet... Sunshine. A whole motherload of sunshine to be exact. What does that mean for a lushy television blogger like myself? Well, a lot less blogging and a lot more drunkery.

So it would appear that we have a few things to catch up on... Blaire and Chuck, LOST's whispers, Glee's return, or the fact that Tim Urban is still on American Idol just to name a few. But for now, I'll begin with last Thursday night; The scene was boisterous, I was about four glasses of pinot deep (shocker), and I was telling Mike Tyson that I would rather go head-to-head with him than a pigeon. Think that's a weird thing to say to The Champ? You wouldn't if you knew that Mike Tyson has a show coming out on Animal Planet about racing pigeons. No, that's not a joke.

If you know me at all, you know that birds are no joking matter in my book. Sometimes I have dreams about going to the top of the Empire State building and taking out all those suckers machete style ...Then I wake up happy. It's true--there are very few things on this earth more repulsive and terrifying than a bird. Bacon for one thing, strapless bras for another. I mean, why can't Mike's show be about tigers... or face tattoos... or biting peoples' ears off? Anything but pigeons. I would rather have my ear bitten off while fighting a tiger and getting a face tattoo than watch :30 seconds of this show. There you have it folks... the end of my love for television as I know it.

After that, I decided it would be a good idea to drink some more wine and then have a conversation with Cash Cab's Ben Bailey. I told him that because of his show, I only allow myself to share cabs with my smart friends... all 3 of them. He then let me in on a world-shattering secret: he doesn't pick up pedestrians hailing a cab. On the contrary, the production staff finds people in restaurants and bars (perfect) and stage the whole shabang. I felt cheated and weirdly relieved, but mostly just concerned that a man that tall drives around in a teeny cab all day. Good thing it's an SUV.

But Mike and Ben weren't the only new friends I made that night. I also had the pleasure of talking DWTS with Kate Gosselin (and of course by pleasure I mean mind-numbing pain). I told her it was so happy to meet her (lie). She asked if I was voting. I said "yes" (lie). She asked if I was voting for her. I said, "yes" (lie). Then I finally did what I've been wanting to do since the show's premiere... bring vengeance to Tony Dovolani. I said "Actually, I'm just a really big fan of Tony's." She said "That's sweet" (lie).

You'll be happy to learn that TLC is doing the unthinkable and giving Kate her own show this season, Twist of Kate...

... I'll take the pigeons...