Beggars Can't Be... American Idols

The setting: 4th grade slumber party. The year was 1995.

The mood: Tense. The host, with her early developed chest and enabling parents, was by far the most popular girl at school. I? Nicknamed "Hairy" and not even allowed to shave my legs or listen to TLC? Not so much.

The game: "Who is going to be famous"

The rules: Sing (a cool song), dance (provocatively), act (sexually), or call a boy (always a good idea) to impress the host and her posse of under-aged plastics so that they can ultimately decide your fate as a future superstar. Awesome.

As I sat in line, rehearsing the lyrics of "Colors of the Wind," I thought to myself 'Wow! This is my chance.' I mean, I had scored the leading role in the 4th grade production of Pocahontas opposite the elementary school equivalent of Brad Pitt. Despite my unusually hairy arms and un-proportioned sideburns, clearly I would be the most famous when I grew up. Without a doubt, the popular girls would deem me fame-bound and would want to be my bffs... ae.

I stood before the judges table, the host bitch's canopy bed which I would later learn she had peed frequently, and confidently sang my solo in the delusional likeness of Vanessa Williams (no... NOT the voice of cartoon Pocahontas). I awaited applause... but was only faced with booming laughter. "Nice song, Pocahairy." Womp womp. Isn't that what it always comes to? Fucking song choice.

Ah yes. Song choice: The key to American Idol success. Pick a wrong song and you might as well just stand up there and pick your dingle-berries. Sing Gwen Stefani when you should be singing Barry White? Well sweetie, you just sang success sionara.

The only thing more appalling than picking the wrong song is to beg the judges for another chance. Hello people! Have you seen the show?! (Warning: nerdy career-based learnings ahead) Based on the ratings for A18-49 I would assume so! In that case, there is NO excuse for groveling. Call it pride, call it arrogance, but I refuse to beg for anything (ever since the 4th grade, that is). "Can I sing something else?" "Lemme get another stab at it." "Comeon, Dawg this is my dream--give me another chance!" No... the answer is always ALWAYS absolutely NOT. Salvage any bit of dignity, man. Idiots.

Luckily for the viewing public, begging was at a tolerable minimum this week as the judges decided the fate of remaining Hollywood week contestants. What were we left with? A top 24 selection that would surpass a selection of 24 of anything--baked goods, hits of the late 90s, Westminster Kennel Club dog show finalists, etc. We were also left with a new Glee preview so nipple-ticklingly exciting that I had the pee-pee sensation for a whole 24 hours. I've provided both videos below. Yeah, I know... you love me.

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