So last night I ventured out with manfriend and a few of my fave femmes. It was supposed to be a low-key evening; you know... just some PBRs at Bro J's and late night karaoke. That is until I got this text:
"There may be a Gossip Girl in our entourage. Keep it on the d/l though."
After a couple dozen nervous farts, I learned that this particular Gossip Girl was of the earthy-variety and was bringing along her Gossip-Boy boyfriend. You guessed it: Jessica Szhor and Ed Sextwick. As you could imagine, my first instinct was to Alex Mack myself into a giant puddle of lady jizz (I mean, that is what that stuff was, right? See video below). But no; using the little remains of my sanity, I pulled myself together in a tastefully slutty ensemble and pre-selected a karaoke song list so exquisite it would give even St. Simon an erection.
So there I stood, double fisting PBRs and bartering for cigarettes to take the edge off. At some point between sober and not-so-sober, Jessica's apparent bff walked in, equipped with a Dooney & Burke blackberry condom and Euro-looking boyfriend. What didn't come in tow? Chuck and Vanessa. One. Big. Tease.
A tease comparable to Little J last week as she so skankilly offered up her V-Card and then denied it pre-swipe. Good for you, Jenny! Just because he's one part dangerous and two parts sexy doesn't mean you have to throw away the goods. And let's get real... Damien will always be Air Bud at heart.
Ah, and speaking of last week's episode, I almost forgot to gloat. Of course Mommy Dearest is a lying satchel of Fendi. That creepy non-accent screams woman scorned. What happens when you turn your back on your own child, eh? This woman is about to get a strong dose of Karma. I hope someone puts a curse on her hoo-hah.
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