My apologies for the posting hiatus... I was too busy sewing prescription pills into my ugly sweater and scotchgarding my sofa. But enough about me (don't get too disappointed)--let's catch up with our favorite Upper East Siders... Where they're shopping, who they're boinking, and who they're suddenly related to.
In effort to respect my elders, I've decided to start with GG's Matriarch and Patriarch, Mr. and Mrs. Lillian Rhodes-Vanderwoodsen-Bass-Humphrey. Well, they're about as happy as you would imagine two Republicans would be on the day Nobama shoved health care reform down America's throat. Speaking of shoving things down people's throats, looks like our not-so-happy couple have been engaging in some extra-marital tonsil hockey. Yep, Lily made the mistake of slipping the tongue to Serena and Eric's absent father while Rufus has become the building manslut. Tisk tisk, Lilfus... tisk tisk.
In lighter news, Serena and Nate are aglow with new love. On second thought, it's more likely that glow is the result of sweat beads from non-stop sex in kitchens, and living rooms, coat closets, etc. In fact, Serena is so oversexed, she has dismissed the social norm to wear pants in public. The only person in New York opposed to that? Blaire bear. As if it were weird enough that she is a constant earshot away from the no-no bumping between her ex and her bffaeae; Now she must spermicide the whole apartment for fear of getting preggers from sitting on the couch. Thank God for Scotchguard... and for this quote: "It appears my advise has gone the way of the clog."
Speaking of ugly shoes, it looks like Dan and Vanessa are gonna try and give it a go. Imagine if those two procreated? I bet they'd have the kind of kids that "enjoy school" and "read for pleasure." Woof... I'll pass. Though if they're anything like their Aunt Jenny, perhaps their bohemian roots will get the better of them. Ahh... home sweet family drug ring.
And at last, the leading role in all of my late night fantasies... Chuck Bass. In true prime-time soap opera fashion, Chuck's not-so-dead birth mother has revealed herself. Call me crazy, but I don't think we're going to see Chuck making ceramic hand prints anytime soon. Something about this woman still gives me the heebies. I've always said, never trust a woman with a locket.
So in preparation for tonight, make sure you thoroughly disinfect your kitchen. To stress the importance of that, I've provided the video below. Enjoy your lady boner!
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